Dirty jokes

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To make it straight she pulls it.
To make it stiff she licks it.
To put it in she pushes it.
It’s a hеll of a job threading a needle.

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Teacher: are you chewing boy? this is the worst вlоwjов I've had all day!

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Little Girl: Dear Santa, i do hope to have a little sister..
Santa: You want a sister? Send me your mother!

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What did the computer say to the girl using it?
You turn my software in to hardware.

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Two homosexuals walking by the beach see a dog liск his own ваlls. The following conversation takes place.
Man 1:
“I’d like to be able do that!”
Man 2:
“Me too …. but I’m scared he might bite!”

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What the hеll is miss universe? I mean does she have earth as her head or is she universes number 1 рrоsтiтuте?

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Why did God gave boys a реnis? Because It's only way to shut up women!

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*everyone in class talking at once*
Teacher: *yell's* WHY DO I HEAR TALKING
James: *yell's* CAUSE YOU HAVE EAR'S YOU DUMB АSS ВIТСН!
Teacher: James's can you please step outside of the class for a minute
*kid's in the back with air horn's make MLG horn sound's*
I legit no joke did this at school

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I hate it when a girl tries to offer me a lame consolation prize. 'Cause girls will say things like, 'Oh, we're not going to have sеx, but I'll give you a hand job.' I have hands. They have the job. The position is filled. I don't need to outsource the work, alright? If you got a vаginа job for me, we can talk 'cause I am always hiring.

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Dad: Son it's time for the sеx talk
Son: But dad...
Dad: No butts...
Dad: That is all.

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DUDE your mom took a pic of my реnis last year to savor it and its still printing

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Q. Why do women talk too much and men overthink everything?
A. Because women have 4 lips and men have 2 heads.

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Ladies, we are not responsible for the size of our manhood; we got what God gave us. But every woman is responsible for the size of her vаginа.

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How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says:
"This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says,
"We're going to have to do this over and over
Again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says,
"Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath
Normally."

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I would like to have a word with you. The word is sеx.

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I've been on the road a long time. I haven't really had the chance to see my girlfriend. She called me up; she wanted us to have phone sеx. I'm not really into phone sеx, but to make her happy, we had the phone sеx. It was really nice -- until I got the receiver stuck in my вuтт.

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You're hotter than an anime chick.

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Surgeon:I'll er, I'll tell you something funny about Dr. Thomas, in his handwriting, the words tonsils and gеniтаls look exactly the same

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