Blagues sur les anglais

Blagues les plus récentes dans cette catégorie
Ένας Αγγλος και μια Αγγλίδα κάνουν έρωτα. Ξαφνικά, ο Αγγλος ανάβει το λαμπατέρ και ρωτάει: - Αγάπη μου, σε πόνεσα; - Όχι, του απαντά αυτή. Γιατί; - Γιατί κουνήθηκες! Англичанин и англичанка правят любов. Изведнъж англичанинът става, светва лампата и пита: - Любов моя, нараних ли те? - Не - отговаря му тя - Защо? - Ами мръдна нещо!
Blagues sur les anglais
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly « mmm... That was some good lion meat! ».
The lion abruptly stops and says  » woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can ».
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily « get on my back, we'll get him together ».
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts « where the hеll is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago... »
Blagues sur les anglais
A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.
I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well... Until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones... And picked the worst possible one to start with.
Here's the joke I told:
« What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in. »
One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hеll his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.
Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said « I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown? »
« No, » replied the guy. « He choked on a sock. »
Blagues sur les anglais
The bartender asks « Why the long face? »
The man replies « I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death. »
The bartender looks shocked and says « I'm sorry I can't help you кill yourself. »
The man asks « Well what would you do in my situation? »
The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says « If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd кill the guy. »
The man jumps up from his stool and shouts « That's a great idea! Thanks! » and runs out of the bar.
A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.
« Did you кill the guy? » The bartender asks nervously.
« Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please. »
Blagues sur les anglais
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading:
- « 5 lamb chops, please. » Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the « stop » веll, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy:
- « What the hеll are you doing? This dog's a genius! » The owner responds, « Genius, my аss......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys! »
Blagues sur les anglais
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, « Hey, Dave! How ya doin'? »
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.
« Oh no, » says Dave. « Hes on my bowling team. »
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, »How did she know that you drink Budweiser? »
« Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them. »
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says « Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy? »
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, « Looks like you picked up a real вiтсh tonight, Dav
Blagues sur les anglais