Η καρύδα και τα καρύδια .
Ένα νιόπαντρο ζευγάρι αποφασίζει να κάνει το ταξίδι του μέλιτος στη Ρώμη, επηρεασμένοι κι οι δύο, προφανώς, από την ταινία "η μοντέρνα σταχτοπούτα" με την Αλίκη Βουγιουκλάκη.
Καθώς έκαναν έναν νυχτερινό περίπατο στα σοκάκια της αιώνιας πόλης, βλέπουν ένα υπόγειο κατάστημα με μια φωτεινή πινακίδα που έγραφε:
"Franco, l uomo piu virile del mondo".
Περίεργοι και οι δυο να δουν περί τινός επρόκειτο, έβγαλαν εισιτήριο και εισήλθαν.
Μόλις κάθισαν, οι προβολείς φώτισαν ένα τραπέζι, πάνω στο οποίο ήταν τοποθετημένο ένα καρύδι. Ένας άνδρας πλησίασε, κατέβασε το παντελόνι και το σώβρακο, πήρε το πέος ανά χείρας και στο άκουσμα μιας δυνατής τυμπανοκρουσίας, έκοψε με αυτό το καρύδι στα δύο.
Μετά από αυτό το ζεύγος συνέχισε τον περίπατό του και δεν παρέλειψε να περάσει και από την περίφημη "fontana di Trevi", γνωστή από την αξέχαστη
Σκηνή της διάσημης ταινίας "dolce vita" του μάγου του ιταλικού κινηματογράφου Federico Felini. Σύμφωνα με την παράδοση, αν ρήξεις ένα νόμισμα στη Fontana di Trevi, θα ξαναγυρίσεις κάποτε στη Ρώμη (και δεν είναι ψέμα, εγώ π. χ ξαναβρέθηκα πολλές φορές). Οι δύο νιόπαντροι δεν τσιγκουνεύτηκαν, φυσικά, να ρίξουν από ένα νόμισμα, με την ευχή να ξαναβρεθούν κάποτε στη Ρώμη μαζί. Κι έτσι κι έγινε. Ύστερα από 50 χρόνια
Ευτυχισμένου γάμου, το ζεύγος αποφάσισε να γιορτάσει τη χρυσή επέτειο και πάλι στη Ρώμη. Και καθώς περνούσαν από το ίδιο στενό είδαν στο ίδιο ακριβώς σημείο, την ίδια φωτεινή επιγραφή. "Μα είναι δυνατόν ! " είπε ο άνδρας. Περίεργοι καθώς ήταν, έβγαλαν και πάλι εισιτήριο και μπήκαν. Οι προβολείς φώτισαν το ίδιο τραπέζι μόνο που αυτή τη φορά είχαν τοποθετήσει μια μεγάλη καρύδα. Τότε βγήκε ένας γεράκος, πλησίασε, έβγαλε τα ρούχα του, έπιασε το πέος του και στο άκουσμα μιας τυμπανοκρουσίας έδωσε με το πέος ένα γερό κτύπημα στην καρύδα, κόβοντάς την στη μέση.
Μόλις τελείωσε το νούμερο, το ζεύγος πήγε κατευθείαν στο καμαρίνι. Ο άνδρας που ήξερε λίγα ιταλικά είπε στο γέρο:
- Μα δε μου λέτε, εσείς είσθε που κάνατε το ίδιο νούμερο 50 χρόνια πριν;
- Ναι παιδάκι μου.
- Και δε μου λέτε, γιατί τότε χρησιμοποιούσατε καρύδι και τώρα ολόκληρη καρύδα;
- Εεεεε, τα γεράματα παιδάκι μου, η όρασή μου δεν είναι πια αυτή που ήταν κάποτε.
This old man goes to see a Doctor to ask him for a sреrм count test.
The Doctor said not to be silly. That he was to old to want to have a sреrм count test. The old man kept insisting until the doctor agreed to give him one. The doctor gives the old man a vile to take home and bring back the next day. The next day, the old man doesnt show up. Another day passes and no show. A week passes and finally the old man come back with the vile. The doctor asks "what happened?" The old man says "Well doctor, I tried it with my right hand, and I couldnt. I tried it with my left hand, I couldnt. My wife tried it with her right hand, she couldnt. She tried it with her left hand, she couldnt. She tried it with her mouth, she couldnt. Неll, she even tried it without her teeth and she couldnt. Doctor asks, "You couldnt еjасulате?". Old man says, "No, we couldnt get the bottle opened!"
Here are answers to 4 of the toughest questions women ask men.
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fат?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument
And/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.
For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "Im sorry if Ive been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
A - Baseball.
B - Football.
C - How fат you are.
D - How much prettier she is than you.
E - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this sтuрid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "Id be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
A - I suppose so.
B - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C - That depends on what you mean by "love".
D - Does it matter?
E - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fат?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
A - I wouldnt call you fат, but I wouldnt call you thin either.
B - Compared to what?
C - A little extra weight looks good on you.
D - Ive seen fatter.
E - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4 - "Do you think shes prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
A - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
B - I dont know how one goes about rating such things.
C - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
D - Only in the sense that shes younger and thinner.
E - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldnt help noticing how beautiful Johns roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his moms thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I cant find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but Ill write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, Im not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, Im not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"