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My Jokes Edit Profile Logout
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Днес бях на събеседване във фирма. I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said Jeden businessman má seminář o nabídce a poptávce. „Zkuste mi to prodat!“ říká jednomu žákovi Jeg var i et jobbintervju i dag da sjefen ga meg laptopen sin og sa: - «Kan du prøve å selge denne til meg?» Så jeg tok den under armen og stakk hjem. Til slutt ringte han meg og sa: - «Pell deg...
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I said, “$200 and it’s yours.”
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‘I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’
Bill Hicks
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What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can’t beat it!
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia!
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A camel and an elephant meet.
The elephant asked the camel:
'Why do u have your reasts on your back?'
The camel, clearly irritated, replies:
'What a silly question from someone who has a diск on his face.'
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Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk:
“I hope the роrn channel in my room is disabled?”
To which she replied:
“No, it’s regular роrn, you sick ваsтаrd!”
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Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.
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Things not to say after sеx:
- You are better than your sister.
- When do I put the соndом on?
- There’s money on the counter.
- Alright who’s gonna help me rebury this?
- Do you have aids ? I don’t want to get it again.
- Yeah, definitely gаy.
- It was better when you were sleeping.
- Please like and subscribe.
- Well that еjасulатеd quickly.
- New record, 17 seconds!
- I was born as male.
- Did your mom teach you that? You guys fuск so similar.
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A man and his wife are walking down the street when the wife turns to her husband and says “honey, I think it’s snowing” the man looks back at her and says “no it’s raining.” To settle the debate between the two they ask the friendly redcoat standing at the end of the street. The redcoat, Rudolph tells them that it is in fact raining. The husband turns to his wife and says “see, Rudolph the red knows rain dear.”
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After handing over a $10 note for an item that cost $7, an autistic ran away empty handed.
Turns out they couldn’t handle the change!
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Американски астронавт пред комисия на НАСА по повод изпращането на китайски космонавт в космоса. Чухте ли? NASA открива ресторант на Луната. Казват 2030 година. НАСА открива първия в историята ресторант на Луната. Един от посетителите пише в книгата за гости: Did you hear about the psychic amnesiac? He knew in advance what he was going to forget. Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon? Great food Har du hørt om restauranten på månen?– God mad Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere. Due astronauti mangiano in un ristorante sulla luna. Uno dice: “Guarda - Har du hört att de har öppnat en restaurang på månen? - Nej Trwa ostra imprezka na Księżycu. W pewnej chwili ktoś mówi: - Wiesz co Rzecz dzieje się na Księżycu. Amerykanie wysiedli z lądownika i powoli rozkręcają imprezę. Rozpalili grilla Hvilke anmeldelser får restauranten der ligger på månen altid? -  4 stjerner. Der er god mad Why did the restaurant on the moon get bad reviews? It has no atmosphere. Έχετε ακούσει για το καινούργιο εστιατόριο στη σελήνη; Το φαγητό είναι καταπληκτικό αλλά δεν έχει καθόλου ατμόσφαιρα.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere..
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What’s the difference between a Dutchman and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut!
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I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
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“If Adam and Eve can’t make it work in Paradise, how am I going to make it work in Lewisham?” – Sara Pascoe
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‘I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’ – Emo Phillips
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Психиятъра: Психиатър към пациент: - Диагнозата ви е ”раздвоена личност” - Добре. Е колко ви дължа? - 200 лева. - Ето ви 100
“The Doc told me I had a dual personality. Then he lays an 82 dollar bill on me, so I give him 41 bucks and say, ‘Get the other 41 bucks from the other guy.’”
Jerry Lewis
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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out as a handywoman and started canvassing the neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said. “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”
A short time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her money.
“You finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats - no extra charge.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added … “It’s not a Porch, It’s an Audi.”
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I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale’s
I’m always on time with my jokes. I guess you could say I’m pretty pun-ctual.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
When chemists die, they barium.
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they’d be alloys.
How much sеx do Catholic priests get? Nun at all.
Garbage collectors are ruввish drivers!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hеll out of it.
I saw a girl today who had 12 niррlеs. Sounds crazy, dozen тiт?
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a сrаск.
Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle
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‘If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.’
Marcus Brigstocke
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