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Ed has no girlfriend, sheeran away

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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those
Places.

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There was a fellow from Kent
Who´s thing was so long that it bent
To stay out of trouble
He put it in double
And instead of to come he went

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the
Passengers in his car.

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What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* ”dаrn” and a
Skydiver goes ”dаrn” *whack*.

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Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!

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Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today? I don’t know and don’t really care.

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What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.

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They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now!

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I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.

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What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.

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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.

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What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

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Two cows are grazing in a field. One соw says to the other, ”You ever worry about that mad cow
Disease?” The other соw says, ”Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!”

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What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.

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How much space will be freed up when Britain leave the EU?
1GB

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Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.

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