God - Page 38

I went to a funeral yesterday with my girlfriend, It was the first time I had met most of her family.
God they’re miserable fuскеrs.

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The Parish father passed away. He left two hundred dollars to each nun in his will. The nuns were each deciding how best to serve others with the money they had received. Sister Mary Catherine noticed a man in tattered clothing sitting on the curb across the street. She walked up to the man, handed him the 200 dollars and said, “God's Speed.”
A week later a well dressed man came to the Parish and asked for Sister Mary Catherine. She soon arrived and noticed it was the very man she had given the two hundred dollars. The man handed her a fist full of cash and said,
"Here's your share! I went to the track as you suggested and God's Speed took first place at twenty eight to one."

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Religion jokes Money jokes God Jokes Men jokes

For me, coming out as a teenager was the hardest thing I’ve experienced.
God knows what it must have been like for my mother.
Being in labour for that long.

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God Jokes Double Meaning and Wordplay Jokes

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed away. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart, and I got a heart attack.
PABLO: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi. He saw me in darkness, He created light. He saw me without problems, He created YOU.
WIFE: Twinkle, twinkle little star, You should know what you are. And once you know what you are, the mental hospital is not so far.
PABLO: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn’t it rain on you?
WIFE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO. Don’t feel so angry, you will find me there too, not in cage but laughing at YOU!

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says,
"Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..."
Mom:
"And one will put you to sleep!"
Son:
"No mom, I will still sleep with you."
Mom's eyes fill up with tears:
"God bless you son."
Mom continues:
"But who will sleep with your 5 wives?"
Son:
"Let them sleep with daddy."
Daddy's eyes fill up with tears:
"God bless you son."

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Kids Jokes God Jokes

God’s vacation
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God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, “You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?”
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St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, “How about Jupiter? It’s nice and COOL there this time of the year.”
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God shakes His head before saying, “No. Too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.”
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“Hmmm,” St. Peter reflects. “Well, how about Mercury?”
“No way!” God about screams. “It’s way too hot for me there!”
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“I’ve got it,” St. Peter says, his face lighting up. “How about going down to Earth for your vacation?”
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Chuckling, God remarks, “Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they’re STILL talking about it!”

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Religion jokes God Jokes

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sеx. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus flооzy. “Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course,” he explained. “This girl really knows how to go from there.” The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out:
“God, I sure would like to have a little рussy.”
“I would, too,” the girl sighed. “Mine’s the size of a bucket!”

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School Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

When women see me nакеd they often say I look like a Greek god. I think the gods name is Hermaphrodite.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Dirty jokes

They're thinking about letting priests get married now -- well, not to each other. The pope said it's a bad idea. He said it would weaken their faith because, after about four years of being married, most people start to think, 'Oh, there is no God.'

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Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes

I picture the Burger King king -- that's my God. You can have your God, I got my God. He's got the unmoving smiling face, the crown, the Whopper Jr. and he's up there watching. Just like, 'You wanna live? Have it your way.'

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God Jokes Food Jokes

I really like a lot of the stuff they did. It's just, sometimes, their fans get on my nerves.

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God Jokes

I'm Jewish, but I don't really follow the religion. Last time I was in temple, I was 13. I made my two grand -- I got out of the business.

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Religion jokes God Jokes

This is a guy who believes that God made everything, but he's got a sign that says, 'God Hates Stuff.' Why is God making stuff he hates, like, constantly? Is God off there really like, 'Oh boy, what the hеll am I doing here? Oh, why would I make another gаy guy? I hate these! This is terrible. Oh my gosh. I'm almighty!'?

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God Jokes Dirty jokes

It's like they're running a self-esteem LensCrafters: complete loss of identity in about an hour, that's the way she works. I go home, everyone's sitting around the table. They're like a Hebrew posse. They attack from right to left.

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Office and Work Jokes God Jokes

A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.
One boy answers, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."
The next little boy says,
"We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."
Then a third boy pipes up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, 'OH MY GOD!!!'"

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Jokes about Women Religion jokes God Jokes Men jokes

Hours after the end of the world, a border dispute emerged between heaven and hеll. God invited the devil for conversations to find a way to resolve this dispute quickly. Sатаn, the devil, proposed a soccer game between heaven and hеll.
God, always fair, told the devil, “The heat must be affecting your brain, the game would be so one sided, don’t you know all the ‘good’ players go to heaven?”
The devil, smiling, responded “Yeah, but we’ve got all the refs’…”

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Sports Jokes God Jokes

I have a роrnо movie where they try to make the woman have an оrgаsм in it. Oh my God, it's like 10 hours long.

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Jokes about Women God Jokes Dirty jokes

A guy goes to a whоrеhоusе and tells the madam he only wants to spend 5 bucks. The madam thinks for a bit, then says, “Betsy. She’s down the hall, last door on the left.”
The guy walks down, sees Betsy - she’s not the best looking, but she would do. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his diск - like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” Betsy crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time.
The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” Betsy smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs

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God Jokes Dirty jokes

Yo mamma so ugly when she went to heaven god said sатаn I thought I kicked you out

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God Jokes Yo Momma Jokes

God gave man a brain and a реnis but only enough blood to use one of them

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God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes