Lawyer Jokes

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I really want to be a lawyer but it’s tough
Because they really set the bar high

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A man goes to see a lawyer...
And asks "Hire much do you charge?"
The lawyer replies "$250 for three questions."
The man says,
"Gosh! Isn't that expensive?"
The lawyer replies "Yes it is. Now, what's your third question?"

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What do you call an Aussie who lies for a living?
A lawyer.

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An economist, an accountant and a lawyer decided to gamble....
And that's how stock markets came into existence!!!

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What do you call a lawyer who is also a disc jockey?
Dj jd

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Why did they bury the lawyer 10 feet under?
Because deep down, they really are good people.
Stolen from a movie I cant remember which.

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What happens to a lawyer when they gain weight?
They lose their appeal.

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A boss forwards an email to his secretary and inquires whether it is from his lawyer or his tailor.
The email read: SUIT IS READY, TRIAL ON MONDAY.

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A lawyer is arguing over the right to store hogs on planes.
He says, “I’m not done till pigs fly!”

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A lawyer gets on a bus, sits down, places his bag on the next sit and says:
I rest my case.

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Where does a lawyer go to buy a bed?
A MatressFirm

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What Did The Immigration Lawyer Say To His Client?
We’ll win your case or your luggage is free!

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Aviation Lawyer joke.
I need some good aviation lawyer joke/pun. Hit me with your best shot.
Let me open with this.
The airline lost my luggage, I want to sue them but the lawyer don't think I have a case.

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A рrоsтiтuте decided to go to law school for a career change,
Law school admissions to рrоsтiтuте:
"What makes you think you'd make a good lawyer?"
Prostitute:
"I always try to get my clients off, as do lawyers do."

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What do call a bad lawyer?
Congressman

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So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a сriме i committed
But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.

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What do you say to a lawyer with a IQ less than 50?
Good morning your Honor!

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I never know what to say to something after they've lost their baby.
"Oh I'm sorry for your loss," doesn't cut it.
That's why I keep my mouth shut and let my lawyer do the talking.
*
*Source: Anthony Jeselnik*

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What do call a woman who seduces a lawyer?
A snake charmer.

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Mathematician, Physicist and a Lawyer are asked what 1+1 is eaqual to.
Mathematician: Well it depends in which numeral system it is.
Physicist: Depends if it is scalar or a vector.
Lawyer: Well and what do you want it to be?

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A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his Company for embezzlement of many millions.
At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him:
„Don’t Worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he Didn’t have a penny anymore.

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What should a proper lawyer wear to a court?
A good law suit.

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I will not eat anything that оnce had a soul . Not a problem he was a Lawyer .

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Why are lawyers so hot? Because they wear black coat, and black is a good conductor of heat. Thank you

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Just because you did it, doesn't mean you're guilty

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