“Daddy, I inherited my intelligence from you, didn’t I? ”

“That’s right my clever girl!”
“That makes sense, because mommy’s still got hers.”

A guy tells his friend: “Man I think my wife may be dead…”

Friend: “What?! Why would you think that?”
Guy: “Well in bed she’s the same as ever but the kitchen got quite messy…”

A boss announces to his staff:

“I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says:
“I’m offering 200!”

A guy leans closer to his wife.

„Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”

The police stop an old guy in questionable condition at 1 am.

“What are you doing out so late, sir?” asks the police officer.
“I’m going to a seminar on ‘The harmful effects of alcohol’,” replies the man.
“Are you pulling my leg or something?!“ says the police officer, „who would hold a seminar like that at this hour?!”
The man sighs, “my wife.”

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for the day.

Teach a man to fish and he’s going to spend a fortune on gear he’ll only be using twice a year.