Lawyer Jokes

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Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer phoned the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s assistant agreed to wake him up. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” beg the attorney. “Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary,” replied the governor.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
'How much does it cost for engineer brain?'
'Three dollars an ounce.'
'How much does it cost for programmer brain?'
'Four dollars an ounce.'
'How much for lawyer brain?'
'$1,000 an ounce.'
'Why is lawyer brain so much more?'
'Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?'

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist. Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon? A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes. Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards? A: Lawyers have removable wing tips. Q: What's the definition of a lawyer? A: A mouth with a life support system. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: No changes occur. Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney? A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the cow and the pig!!!

The following is a true story, and this situation supposedly occurred in a real courtroom.
At a trial, an attorney was putting witnesses through an exacting cross-examination, and was taking great delight into forcing witnesses to admit that they did not remember every single detail of an automobile accident. While the lawyer knew that no witness has a perfect memory, he had honed a skill in exploiting minor inconsistencies and lapses of memory in order to challenge the credibility of honest witnesses. After a series of scathing cross-examinations, he was looking forward to his examination of yet another witness.
'Did you actually see the accident?' he asked.
The witness responded with a polite, 'Yes, sir.'
'How far away were you when the accident happened?'
'I was Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarters inches away from the point of collision.'
'Thirty-four feet, seven and three quarter inches?' the lawyer asked, sarcastically, 'Do you expect us to believe that your memory is so good, and your sense of distance is so precise, that months after the accident you can come into court and give that type of detail?'
The witness was unphased. 'Sir, I had a hunch that some obnoxious, know-it-all lawyer would ask me the distance, and would try to make it seem like I was lying if I could not give an exact answer. So I got a tape measure, and measured out the exact distance.'

You Know You're In California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
You were born somewhere else.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
Your car has bulletproof windows.
Left is right and right is wrong.
Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
Your mouse has only one ball.
You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
You drive to your neighborhood block party.
Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
More than clothes come out of the closets.
When 'the Dead' are best live.
You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
Smoking in your office is not optional.
When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
When all highways into the state say:
'no fruits'.
All highways out of the state say:
'Go back'.
You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? A: When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation? A: A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance. Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers? A: Respect. Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common? A: They're all slime. Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?A: To get to the car accident on the other side. Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer? A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM. Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while "I'm gonna sue!" or "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!" Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death. Q: Why don't hyenas eat lawyers?A: Even hyenas have some dignity.

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said,
"She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said,
"My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options:
"Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant immediately wrote a check.

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him.
"I will take your case," the lawyer said,
"If you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said,
"Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"

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