Old People Jokes

I was begging God to give me a hot body.
Great. Now I’m enjoying the hot flashes of menopause.

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I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home.
I tell old people where to go.

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Did you hear about the Mexican man who went to the old people home to visit his grandpa?
See senior.

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What do you call a bus driver who helps old people and parents with children on and off the bus?
A stand up driver.

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Why can't old people print?
They can't Ctrl P

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How do old people stay in ouch with their deceased friends?
Through social mediums.
(Read this on Facebook. Take no credit, but I don't remember who said it.)

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What do old people with Alzheimer's often say?
I don't remember.

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A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird...
She asked why I had spelled it like E. M. M. A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,
"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

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Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?
I've been waiting for change for too long.

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Do old people wear boxers or briefs?
Depends.

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Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?
Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

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A new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is like old people nudity at the public swimming pool.
You don't want to see it but you still end up seeing it anyway.

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My grandfather, who served in Vietnam, asked me what sticks to young and old people alike:
Apparently napalm wasn’t the answer.

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I don't know why old people drive so slowly..
If you're 85 you should be driving 85, you ain't got much time left!

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Old people kept poking me at weddings and saying "You are next"
So at funerals I do the same to them

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I like to play chess with old people in the park.
Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

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The 200m sprint world record for 100+ years old people has been improved today!
It is now 163m.

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What do you call a match-making service for realy old people?
"Carbon-Dating"

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What’s the difference between necrophilia and old people fetish?
A couple of weeks.
(Source: h3h3 comments)

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