A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.

Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Children:

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Mom: “why did you get in so much trouble at school today?”

Kid: “it was show and tell day and I couldn’t find any of my toys to show the class so I borrowed yours”

8 year old kid looking at mom's ID card, Sex: F - he laughts.

- What's so funny?
- I can'y believe you are so bad in sex that you failed in it.

Husband died laughing

How to calm a crying baby:

1. Pick baby up.
2. Hold for approximately 5yrs, then gently place back down

Every time I say "NO",

my kids hear:
"Ask again, she didn't understand the question".

The best way to teach kids about taxes

is to eating 30% of their ice cream