My ex texted me, “Wish you were here.”

She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”.

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

A little boy says:

‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’
‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone.

"Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway".
"It's worse than that", he replies, "there are hundreds of them!"

A father took his eight year old daughter to work on "Take your kid to Work Day"

As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and getting very upset. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said:
"Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with".

Wife: I am going to Madrid, what gift do you want?

Husband: One Spanish Girl...
Wife returns from Madrid
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait for nine months...

Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”

Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”