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What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?
The letter F!

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When Miley Cyrus is nакеd and licks a hammer it's "art" and "music"... but when I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave Home Depot".

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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?, asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my ваlls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

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What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have in common?
They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.

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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.
When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.
The man obeys.
The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.
Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.
The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an еjасulатiоn, he will be more relaxed and that the vasectomy is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.
While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room маsтurватing.
Curious, the man ask “What are they doing in there”?
The nurse responds, “They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care..”

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunк, I mean really, really, really drunк.
When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the вuтт.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"

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Q: What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?
A: Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

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When somebody is totally angry, why not say:
"Yes, young Skywalker. Come over to the dark side of the Force."

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There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.

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Kim Kardashian use to be 8 feet tall until Chuck Norris uppercut both her feet and that is why her аss is so big.

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Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."
Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

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Yo mama's so ugly that slender-man ran from her.
She's also the reason why slender-man doesn't have eyes.

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Chuck Norris once appeared on celebrity wipeout.
They had to end the season after he destroyed the sucker punch wall with his сhin.

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How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic?
He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.

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Q: What's the difference between a toilet and a Kardashian?
A: Nothing! They both accept big brown stinky turds!

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A blonde bought an a.
m. radio and it took her a month to find out she could listen to it at night.

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Chuck Norris is the reason why Einstein's theory of relativity is still a theory.

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What is so good about Chuck Norris?
He is just some sтuрid actor, if he was really that good he would come here and bash my head on the keyboD5LISDALGFRGY I idyfgylbhyuu2213874rt fsdnljsdha.

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