Sex Jokes

‘Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.’
Rodney Dangerfield

1

What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.

1

While making love, he says: Darling, let's do 68!
68???
What's that?
You do it to me and I'll owe you one.

1

What is the difference between a joystick and a man's d**k?
A joystick does its job.

1

Monday – a very, very, good day! The leader’s daughter lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her.
Tuesday – a very, very, good day! The leader's wife lost. We found her and all of us made sex with her.
Wednesday – a very, very, very, very, very, very, bad day! ... I lost! … Now they're looking for me.

1

Three prisoners are locked in a cell.
One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’
The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’
The third man pulls out a packet of tampons.
‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner.
‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner.
‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

1

Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.

1

Your mama is so stupid, when she lost her dildo she called the cops to look for it.

1

How do you know if your wife wears tights in bed?
Her toes curl up when you screw her.

1

The vicar never entertained lewd thoughts – they always entertained him.

1

Man, to woman, ‘Do you want sex?’
Woman, ‘Your place or mine?’
Man, ‘Well, if you’re going to argue.
Forget it.’

1

How do you know when your cat’s finished cleaning himself?
He’s smoking a cigarette.

1

Yo mama so fat when you have sex with her you have to slap her stomach and ride the wave in.

1

Harry is better at sex than anyone he know.
Now all he needs is a partner.

1

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

21

Men are like buses.
One comes every 15 minutes.

21

Did you hear about the new contraceptive pill for men?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

21

Kock, Knock
Who is there?
Suck, suck.
Suck, suck who?
After a long pause with a low voice:
My dick; dear!

21

What do you call men who use the pull out method?
Fathers.

21