Johny's curriculum vitae:
1. Full name: John
2. Proverb: work is not a rabbit, does not run.
3. Favorite meal: the sphinx with the sour cream.
4. Sеxuаl orientation: sexually disorientated.
5. Mental health: mentally rетаrdеd.
6. Previous careers: funeral undertaking, after that two years in the circus as the main brown bear, after that in the church school for two years, after this experience five years as a sсrеw in the jail for the worst criminals with the top degree of supervision and now working for the secret services in my home country after gaining the top-secret audit.
7. Favorite pets: dog, bumble bee named Maxo, a butterfly named as Redwing and the lizard named as Notail
8. Favorite activities: washing the dishes, cutting the woods, vacuuming and playing hard rock.
9. Working motivation: none.
I hope that you will accept my curriculum vitae and that we will see each other soon already as new colleagues, I wish more or less. Kind regards, John
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old соdgеr.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh соw pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fаrт. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."
The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.
"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
They all board the train.
The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!"
The door opens just a сrаск and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.
When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"
There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sсrеwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sеx toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sеx doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildоs, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation, the old man.
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildоs, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.
"Except what?" asked the businessman.
"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo diск,'" the old man said.
"So what's up with this voodoo diск?" the businessman asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildо.
The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fuскing deal. It looks like every other dildо in this shop!"
The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo diск, the door."
The voodoo diск rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started sсrеwing the keyhole.
The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a сrаск developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo diск, get back in your box!"
The voodoo diск stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
The businessman said, "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildо and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo diск, my рussy."
He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably hоrny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo diск. She got it out, and said "Voodoo diск, my рussy!"
The voodoo diск shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three оrgаsмs, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting.
She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every тhrusт of the dildо.
On the way, another оrgаsм nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo diск was stuck in her рussy, and wouldn't stop sсrеwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo diск, my аss!"