Masturbation jokes

A young lady walks into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the chap who’d had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a club.
He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
“You lying bastard!” she shouts,” last night you told me you were a stunt pilot!”
“No,” he says, “I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team.”

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When you first meet her, she says she’s “bi”, then later you realise she meant ” polar”..

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My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa looking miserable.
“Cheer up,” I said.
“Oh I’m OK,” she sighed, “just a bit sad.”
“You’re fab,” I said.
“Thanks,” she said.
“You’re mine,” I said.
“I know silly!” she chuckled.
“I love you,” I said.
“Aww!” she gushed, “that’s so lovely.
Marry me, I said.
She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal: she bellowed. Yes! Yes! Yes!
I looked up at her and said, Yes what?
Yes, I will marry you! she beamed.
Fuck off! I said. Here, have a Love Heart.

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“Come on in,” I said to the neighbour at the front door.
“I’d rather not,” she said, “I’ve got dirty feet.”
“That doesn’t matter,” I said. “You can keep your shoes on.”

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A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery.
An art critic approaches him, “Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?”
- Sure.
- It’s pretty much worthless.
- I don’t mind, you can tell me anyway.

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Some American guy was boasting to me about the size of his Country.
“You can board a train in Texas, and 24 hours later, you could still BE in Texas!” he said.
“Yes” I said. “We’ve got trains like that over here, too.”

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I was standing in another long line at the airport and my mind slipped into the idle gear… I mused, “What does it mean to “pre-board?” Do you get on board before you get on board?

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I got sacked from PC World today. A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.
I said “Probably a shovel.”

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I found out by accident last night that my girlfriend is adopted.
We were in bed together and I’m shouting, “Who’s your daddy, Who’s your daddy?”
“I don’t know!” she replied, “There’s an agency looking for him but they don’t have any clues.”

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I bought some sexy crotch-less knickers in Ann Summers today.
“A surprise for the wife?” asked the cashier.
“Maybe” I replied, “It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not.”

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I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

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I was late walking into a very important meeting today.
“Sorry, boss,” I said, quickly sitting down.
I put my briefcase and a doner kebab on the table and said, “Right, carry on.”
My boss looked at our important clients, then he looked at me and said, “What’s with the doner kebab, Dave?”
I said, “Just some salad and a bit of chilli sauce.”

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It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”
“Where are you?” she asked.
She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

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I had a job interview this morning.
The guy said to me, “You’ll get 25K a year, after 2 years you’ll get 30K.”
I said, “Your maths is shit, mate.”

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My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.
She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.
She’s got on a skirt and I can see she’s not wearing any knickers.
She says, “Pink or brown. Take your pick.”
I said, “How the fuck can I play snooker when you’re on the table?!”

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I said to my mate, “Bet you can’t guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?”
He chuckled, “Go on then, put me out of my misery.”
So I shot his wife.

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When I went to pay for my items in a spiritualist shop I noticed a sign saying ‘Queue on the other side’.
So I killed myself.

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Apparently it’s Suicide Awareness Day.
Wasn’t sure what that entails, so I’ve just been looking up when walking past tall buildings.

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I was in the cinema last night when a stunning girl came over, leaned seductively on the empty seat next to me and said, “Is this taken?”
“No,” I replied, “A Good Day To Die Hard.”

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