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Masturbation jokes

A man is at the optometrist getting his eyes checked.
"You need to stop masturbating so much," the optometrist says.
"Why?" asks the man. "Is it going to make me go blind?"
The optometrist looks around and says "no, but it's making the other patients very uncomfortable."

This morning on I- 95, I looked over to my left and there was this woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. … …
…
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. ….
….
As a man, I don’t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. … …
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In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an important call. …
…
Damn women drivers!

Just seen an advert saying “big dick = more sex”
It’s total bollocks.
I don’t get any sex and people call me a big dick all the time.

I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night.
She said, “Would you call me a taxi?”
I said, “No, you’re more like a 12 seater mini bus.”

I was in sex education class when the teacher pointed at the diagram and asked, “What is this called?”
I put my hand up and answered, “That’s a minge, Miss Stevens.”
She rolled her eyes, and replied, “Give me a medical term, please.”
“Oh, sorry,” I replied. “That’s a minge, Doctor Stevens.”

A travelling salesman’s car breaks down on a deserted road, and he seeks refuge from the evening storm at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer, being a kindly soul, says to the man that he can spend the night and they’ll sort his car out in the morning.
“There’s only one small problem,” says the farmer, “We don’t have much room, so y’all will have to either sleep on the couch, or share the spare bedroom with Baby.”
Thoughts of middle-of-the-night crying, early-morning nappy changing and all those other unpleasant things that come with sharing a room with a strange baby spring to mind, so the salesman agrees to sleep on the couch.
The next morning, he walks into the kitchen in the hopes of scoring some breakfast, and he sees this absolutely stunning, blonde, t*ts like melons and legs that went right up to her neck, she was busy making coffee and dressed in just a silk negligee,
She turns around when he walks in and coos:
“Hi, I’m Baby, who are you?”
He replies:
“I’m the stupid fcuker who just spent the whole of last night alone on the fcuking couch!!”

A policeman knocked on my door in the early hours.
“Oh my God, what is it? My daughter is late home. Oh God, no. Please, no.”
He said, “I’m sorry sir, there’s been a terrible accident.”
Sobbing, I asked, “What is it?”
“We’ve knocked on the wrong door.”

News: A 14-year-old girl with an allergy had to go to hospital after a kiss from a boyfriend had traces of nuts on his lips.
Not the best way to find out your guy is gay, one would assume.

Government planed to implement Sex Education in school.
School authority wanted to send our George’s wife Lucy for special training course in Sex Education.
Lucy:
“No Sir..! I don’t want to take part in that course.”
Principal:
“No..! But why ..?!”
Lucy:
“Somebody told me yesterday.. The Final Exam will be Oral!”

‘A Recruit Goes AWOL’
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office. The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?” ….
….
The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull some of my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR!”

I’m just nipping down to Iceland to do some Christmas shopping.
My daughter says she want’s lots of frozen stuff this year.

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