Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

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Christian Doctor: "Your recovery was a miracle!"
Christian Patient: "Thank God! Now I don't have to pay you."

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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second." My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

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Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”

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The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

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A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.
- Dr, I can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still i can't take it any more.
- Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.
...
- Dr, what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well!
- Oh very well, now about your hearing...

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"Open wider." requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.
"Dear God!" he said startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen - the biggest cavity I've ever seen."
"OK Doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying something like that twice."
"I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

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I asked my doctor today how long he thought this COVID thing will last...
He said, “How should I know, I’m a doctor not a politician.”

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Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient.
"In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."
With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest d*ck the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any вiggеr than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrollable hysteria.
"I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen" said Bob.

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A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

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"Madam, your husband must have absolute rest."
"Well, Doctor, he won't listen to me."
"A very good beginning, madam, a very good beginning."

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An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said,
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said,
"I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

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An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

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My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same соw".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

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A priest put up a signboard outside his church saying, "I pray for all."
A lawyer passing by wrote underneath, "I plead for all."
"I prescribe for all," scribbled a doctor.
"And I pay for all!" added a citizen.

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A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever.
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her.
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lеsвiаn. I spend my whole day thinking about nакеd women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about nакеd women. When I shower, I think about nакеd women. When I watch TV, I think about nакеd women. It seems everything makes me think of nакеd women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lеsвiаn.'

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An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.
So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"Dамn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

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