Soccer jokes, Football jokes

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Susan's mother: "What are you doing on the top of that tree?"
Susan: "Some boys are playing football their ball is fallen on the tree. They asked me to bring it."
Susan's mother: "My dear , they only want to see your pants."
Susan: "Don't worry mam, I haven't put on my pants!"

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An old football player was dying. So he called her wife and told her: "My dearest you see I'm dying. May you confess how many times you have done betrays against me during your life?"
Her spouse said: "Forgive me, my dear, only 3 times:
1. Do you remember it was so difficult to admit you as a football player in the team? So I went to the couch and did something. That was the cause for you to be a player in the team.
2. Do you remember when you entered the team no body didn't pass you? I went to 10 others players so they changed a friendly treatment during half times.
3. Do you remember during matching nobody of 30000 viewers didn't encourage you? I did something..."

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SuperBowl!
What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl? The Dallas Cowboys

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What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is?
What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, or attack the referee.
Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a worthless idiот' is it?''
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain all that to your parents."

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After a recent football game, the team went into the locker room to get out of their uniforms and to shower.
In the showers, Bubba noticed that Duke has a cork shoved up his вuтт-hole.
So, Bubba asked,
"Duke, why in the world do you have a cork up your вuтт?"
Duke answered, "Last night when I was cleaning my antique brass lamps, a genie came out of one of them. The genie said that I had one wish. I was really startled and I replied, "No shiт!"

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Q: What do you get if you cross a dirтy politician with a filthy womanizer?
A: Chelsea.

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"Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!"
Grandpa:
"Who's playing?"
Grandson:
"Austria-Hungary."
Grandpa:
"Against who?"

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Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet?
A: Because they can't stop saving their work.

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There was a blonde who was at an all blonde football game.
At halftime she was called down to answer questions to see if she could win $1000.
The first question was what is 10 plus 11?
She hesitates and says, "hm.. 5!"
The host says "No, I'm sorry thats incorrect."
All of the blondes in the stadium chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"
So the host agrees and said, "Ok how about 5 plus 5."
She answers and says "20".
Again all the blondes chanted "Give her another chance, give her another chance."
So the host agrees again and says, "OK, last chance, what is 2 plus 2."
The blonde says "4!" and the audience says "Give her another chance give her another chance!"

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Q: What is the point of Jewish football?
A: To get the quarter back

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A biker walks into a gаy bar and sits down to have a drink when a guy walks up to him and asks "hey biker you ever played barroom football"?
"What are you talking about" the biker replies.
"You know you guzzle a вееr down that's the touchdown then pull your pants down and bend over and if you can fаrт the kicks well."
The gаy guy goes first to demonstrate.
The biker states "I can do that and even better."
He chugs the вееr, slams the bottle, stands up pulls his pants down bends over to fаrт the gаy guy jumps behind him and shouts "blocked that kick".

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A college freshman decided to try out for the football team.
"Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed.
Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman.
He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach.
"But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
"Well, sir," he said,
"If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

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What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower center?
Nottingham forest.

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Yo mama so ugly that the football team yelled at her to get out of the bus.

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What do you get when a dinosaur scores a touchdown?
A dino-score.

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During the soccer match little Johny sits in the front row. His friend asks:
- How did you get tickets?
- From my brother - respond Petya.
- And where is your brother?
- At home.
- Looking for his ticket.

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A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?"
He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match."
But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?"
He answered, "Because there was extra time."

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