Men jokes

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Mary to Jill: ‘My last boyfriend said he fantasised about having two girls at once.
Jill: ‘Most men do. What did you tell him?’
Mary: ‘I said, “If you can’t satisfy one woman, why would you want to рiss off another one?”’

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A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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A little boy says:
‘Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.’
‘Son,’ says the dad. ‘That happens everywhere.’

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A man walks into a bar.
Lucky ваsтаrd.

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A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"

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After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's вrа off, I decided to give up,
I wish I'd never put it on now.

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When a married man says "I'll think about it", what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.

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No english dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words, COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Some people say there is no difference, but there is:
When you marry the right woman you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

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Wife: "I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad."
Wife: "No, you are not."

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Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

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A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,
"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom – I'll show you how."

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"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. "I can't believe it, it really is a boy."
That's when I swore never to return to Thailand.

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"

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What’s a man’s definition of safe sеx?
Meeting his mistress at least 30 miles from his house.

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Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife "look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !"
Wife replies "yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse..."

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A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first bl*wjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

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A man was robbing a house in the middle of the night. All of a sudden, he heard a parrot cry out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber ignored it, and takes the TV. Again, the parrot cries out.
"Jesus is gonna get you."
The robber started to get a little worried.
"What's your name, birdie?"
"Моsеs."
"What duмваss named you Моsеs?"
"The same duмваss who called his rottweiler Jesus."

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