Car and driving jokes

At the age of 17, Chuck Norris was fired from his job in a car factory because he roundhouse-kicked a car in half.

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Why did the spider buy a car?
So he could take it out for a spin!

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Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn!

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Why is it that a white man is hanging on to a car driving 200 km per hour?
Because a black man is driving it!

23

Did you hear about the two dumb blonds who went two the drive in theater and froze two death they went two see closed for the winter?

23

I walked out of the store and saw a car full of black people lock their car doors i felt pretty badass until i realized it was my car.

23

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car.
Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
"Why sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially well for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.
"No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

24

A black guy and his black girlfriend are in a car. Who's driving?
"The cop!"

25

Why are asian people bad at driving?
Because they can't see.

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A penguin's car breaks down and he has it towed to a repair shop.
The mechanic tells him that he should have some information in about an hour.
The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street so he wanders over while the mechanic works.
He finds the vanilla is the best ice cream he's ever eaten and he eats it with messy and gluttonous abandon getting it all over his face.
He goes back to the mechanic's to check on his car.
The mechanic informs him, "It looks as though you've blown a seal."
"Oh, no." replies the penguin "It's just some ice cream."

25

What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
Put either of 'em in a car and they're fucked.

35

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep.
Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus and the jeep.

52

What do a gay and a garbage truck have in common?
Both take it in the rear.

54

What do you call four niggers, in a car, driving off a cliff?
A waste.
You could've fit two more in the trunk.

25

A truck was traveling through town.
When the driver stopped at a red light, A blonde jumped out of her car, ran up to the driver of the truck, and said,
"Mr. you're losing part of your load".
She jumps back into her car and follows the truck to the next light.
She jumps out of car and runs up to the driver's window, "Mr. you're losing part of your load."
The same thing happens for 7 stops, finally the 8th stop, the blonde came running up to the truck driver's window, before she could say anything, the driver said,
"Ma'am, this is winter in maine, i'm driving a salt truck......."

32

Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

26

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk

0

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

0

A boy and his mother survived a car crash. The boy asks his mother “Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?” The mother replies with “More like an accident.”

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