Lawyer Jokes

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Two small boys met during their first day at school. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a... Deux enfants à l’école : - Moi mon père, il est comptable, et toi ? - Le mien est avocat. - Il est honnête ? - Non, seulement avocat. Kaksi alle kouluikäistä poikaa, sattuivat keskustelemaan eläintarhassa eräänä päivänä. - Minun nimeni on Pekka. Mikä sinun nimesi on? kysyi ensimmäinen poika. - Tommi, vastasi toinen. - Minun isi...
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A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside:
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'
An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'
Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'
Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'
Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'
Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
Отива мъж при доктора: - Докторе, започнах да си губя вкуса. Безработен инженер дълго търсел работа и решил да отвори частна клиника. Обявата, която написал гласяла: Приходит мужик к врачу: Un marocain vient en France et décide d’ouvrir une clinique, pour attirer les clients il met une pancarte a l’entrée où il écrit « la consultation 50€ , si nous n’arrivons pas à vous soigner nous vous donnons 100€ !! » un Juif qui passait par là , voit la pancarte et se dit : " je vais faire le... Finalmente laureato, un giovane dottore desidera lavorare in ospedale, ma non riesce a trovare lavoro, quindi con un po' di fatica decide di aprire un suo studio medico privato. Um médico chinês não consegue encontrar um emprego em hospitais no Brasil, então ele abre uma clínica e coloca uma placa com os dizeres: "Tenha tratamento por R$ 20. Se não ficar curado, devolvo R$...
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. 
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." 
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Alberta. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.' The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." 
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old соdgеr.
He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh соw pie. 
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fаrт. Now it's my turn." 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
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Добър, лошо и много лошо: Добре: Разбрате се с жена си, да нямате повече деца. Лошо: Не можете да намерите презервативите. Много лошо: Дъщеря ви ги е взела назаем. Добре: Синът ви учи много в...
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out..'Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.How many men does it take to open a вееr? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
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NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.
The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going."One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater -- Rice University."
The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question."Two millions dollars," the doctor said. "I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."
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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes
Scene:
A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for мurdеr.There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty."But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urinе sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urinе sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urinе sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco'That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urinе samples from his wife and daughter, and a sреrм sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a сосаinе habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Costco!
Мъж отива при хирург: Един мъж отива при личният лекар. Много го болял лакътя. THE AMAZING HEALTH COMPUTER Esto es un hombre al que le duele un montón el brazo y un amigo suyo le dice: - Vete a la farmacia que hay una maquina allí que te diagnostica lo que tienes y te da consejos para que lo soluciones.... Ein Arzt hat einen neuen Computer, der anhand von Urin jede Krankheit feststellen kann. Un jour, un homme se plaint à son ami : Un homme se plaint à son ami: - "Mon coude droit me fait vraiment mal. Je crois que je devrais aller voir un médecin" Son ami de lui répondre: - "Ne fais pas ça! Il y a un tout nouvel ordinateur à la pharmacie du centre qui peut te diagnostiquer n'importe quoi, bien plus rapidement et pour... Un uomo incontra un vecchio compagno di scuola per strada e tra una chiacchiera ed un'altra gli dice: "Ho un braccio che mi fa veramente male. Dovrei farmi vedere da un medico". En man går till doktorn för att söka hjälp för sin värkande armbåge. När han kommer in i undersökningsrummet finner han att doktorn är ute och det i stället står en stor datamaskin mitt i rummet.... En dag klagade Lasse till en vän: - Min armbåge gör väldigt ont, jag tror jag måste beställa tid hos läkaren. Vännen svarade: - Gör inte det! Apoteket har nämligen fått in en ny datamaskin som... Senare på kvällen tänkte Frasse på hur otrolig den nya tekniken var, och hur det skulle revolutionera läkarsystemet för alltid. Då började han fundera på om det gick att lura maskinen, så han... Een man klaagt tegen zijn vriend: "Mijn elleboog doet echt pijn, ik denk dat ik maar eens naar de dokter moet." Zijn vriend antwoordt: "Nee, dat hoeft niet. In de supermarkt staat nu een computer... Een man belt naar de dokter en verteld dat hij last heeft van zijn arm. De dokter zegt tegen hem dat hij de volgende ochtend even langs moet komen en even een flesje ochtend urine moet meenemen. De... Computer Diagnose En dag beklager Peter sig til sin ven: "Det gør ondt i min albue, jeg må nok hellere gå til lægen med den." Hans ven siger: "Lad være med det. Der er et computer apotek, der kan... Eräänä päivänä Pete valitti kaverilleen, "Kyynärpääni on todella kipeä. Pitänee mennä lääkäriin." Kaveri sanoi, "Ei kannata. Apteekissa on tietokone, joka antaa diagnoosin paljon nopeammin ja... Egy benzinkútnál egy automatát állítanak fel, amelyik 1 pohár vizeletből elvégzi egy ember teljes orvosi kivizsgálását. Egy férfi, akinek már hosszabb ideje fáj a könyöke, elhatározza, hogy... Un om merge la doctor si ii spune ca il doare cotul. Doctorul il examineaza si ii spune sa aduca adoua zi o mostra de urina. Omul uitandu-se cam ciudat,pleaca,si aduce adoua zi o mostra de urina de... Chlapa bolí loket a chce jít za doktorem, ale kamarád mu poradí: „Neblbni, Amíci už na to mají počítač, zrovna ho testuji u nás v lékárně. Je to levnější než doktor a je zapotřebí jenom donést...
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A little old lady went to the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, "$165,000" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your ваlls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a sтuрid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my ваlls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his ваlls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his ваlls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet" "$25,000 says the president's ваlls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his ваlls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly ваnging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hеll's the matter with your lawyer?"
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's ваlls in my hand."
Дребничка възрастна госпожа влязла в Чейс Манхатън Банк и попитала дали може да си открие сметка. Един ден, една стара дама влиза в Канадската Национална Банка с голяма чанта пълна с пари. A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. An elderly woman walked into the main branch of Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the 3 million... Una viejita fue un día al Banco llevando un bolso lleno de dinero. Insistía en que quería hablar con el presidente del Banco para abrir una cuenta de ahorros porque "es mucho dinero". Die Geschichte der kleinen alten Dame oder: Ideen muss man haben! En liten gammal gumma kom en dag in på en sparbank. Med sig hade gumman en ikeakasse med sedlar. Hon insisterade på att hon måste prata med bankdirektören för att öppna ett sparkonto eftersom det rörde sig om mycket pengar! Snabbt lät kassörskan... En gammal skrynklig dam klev in på en av de allra finaste bankerna. Hon gick fram till kassan och slängde upp en turkoslila bag fylld med 2 miljoner kronor i vikta 100-lappar. Kassörskan stirrade... Egy idős kis hölgy egy nap bement a kanadai nemzeti bankba egy táskányi pénzzel. Ragaszkodott hozzá, hogy a bank elnökével kíván beszélni számlanyitással kapcsolatban, mondván: "Sok pénzről van...
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A senior Catholic Priest in Kenya was dying in a hospital and for his death wish he asked to see the local MP and the county Governor. An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the... En präst var döende, och han skickade efter två brottslingar. När de kom dit bad prästen dem att ställa sig på var sin sida om sängen där han låg. Prästen låg där och log. Till slut frågade bovarna...
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