Priest Jokes

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There was an old priest in a small town who spent years listening to confessions, most of which had been about adultery. One day he had enough and said “If I get one more confession about adultery I will leave this town.”
Now the people really liked the priest and didn’t want to see him leave so they decided to start calling adultery something else. Eventually the word “fallen” replaced the word adultery, and people would confess to having fallen. This satisfied the priest and he stayed in that town for many more years until his eventual death.
After his death a new priest came to town and after a week came to the mayor. “Mr. Mayor you must do something about your sidewalks. I’ve had a dozen people come to me saying they’ve fallen.”
At this point the Mayor starts laughing, realizing that no one had told the new priest what “fallen” stands for. But before the mayor could say anything, the priest interrupts him. “I don’t know why you’re laughing Mr. Mayor, your wife said she fell five times this week.”
Cheating Jokes Religion jokes Priest Jokes
Умряли в един ден един поп и един шофьор, качили се заедно при Свети Петър, за да влезнат в рая... Поп и шофер Το αποτέλεσμα Умерли в один день водитель автобуса и священник. Пред св. Петър се изправят двама души - шофьор и свещеник. Перед вратами рая стоят водитель автобуса и священник. К ним выходит Святой Петр: A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Поп и шофьор умрели и се явили пред Свети Петър. Още щом видял шофьора, пазителят на Опаловите порти се зарадвал: - Охо! Откога те чакаме! Бързо влизай в Рая -- пазим ти място! Попът тръгнал да се промъква след шофьора, но светията го сграбчил за яката. - Ти пък къде? - Ами този тъп шофьор... Il y avait dans un village deux hommes qui s'appelaient Jules. L'un était prêtre et l'autre chauffeur de taxi. Le destin voulut que tous deux meurent le même jour. Ils arrivent au ciel et se présentent devant le Seigneur. Jules, le chauffeur de taxi, passe en premier. Dieu consulte ses registres... Piloten hade inga problem med att komma in i himmelriket. Prästen blev däremot otroligt förvånad och förtretad då han stoppades vid pärleporten. - Men vad nu då? Vad menas med detta, frågade han Sankte Pär. Varför kommer inte jag som är präst in i himlen,när piloten gjorde det? - Jo,... En busschaufför och en präst stod utanför himlens port. Sankte Per kollade i sin dator om båda borde bli insläppta. Till slut fick chauffören komma in. – Men utropade prästen – vet du inte hur han svär och lever om när han kör buss? – Jodå, svarade Sankte Per, men när du predikar i din kyrka så... En präst och en taxi förare dog och de båda kom upp till himlen samtidigt. Sankte Per stod vid pärleporten och väntade på dem. - Följ med mig! Sa sankte Per till taxi föraren. Taxi föraren gjorde som han blev tillsagd och följde med sankte Per till en stor herrgård. Herrgården hade all lyx som... Un cura y un taxista se mueren y van al cielo. San Pedro los recibe y le dice al cura: - Bueno cura, usted vivirá en esa casita chica y fea. - Bueno San Pedro así será. Después va el taxista y San... C'est l'histoire d'un curé et d'un chauffeur de bus qui se retrouvent devant St. Pierre. Le curé est irréprochable alors que le chauffeur roulait si mal qu'il a causé un nombre incalculable... Een priester sterft en wanneer hij bij de hemelpoort komt, ziet hij een taxichauffeur uit New York die een prominentere plek heeft dan hij. Dus zegt hij tegen de engel: "Dit snap ik niet. Ik heb... A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told... En prest stod ved himmelporten og klagde til St.Peter: Presten: – Hvorfor kan jeg ikke komme inn? Det kom jo nettopp en full buss kjørende inn, den slapp inn uten problemer? St.Peter: – Fordi når... İki adam ölür ve cennetin kapısına gelirler. Cennetin kapısında Aziz Peter beklemektedir. Aziz Peter ilk adama sorar: - Hayattayken ne iş yapardın? - Ben rahiptim, ömrümü Tanrı'ya verdim,... Op een dag was er een buschauffeur en een pastoor gestorven. Ze gingen allebij naar petrus om te kijken waar ze heen moesten; de hemel of de hel. De pastoor kwam als laatste aan en zei tegen... A pap és a buszsofőr egyszerre kopogtatnak a mennyország kapuján. Kijön Szent Péter, röviden elbeszélget velük, majd beengedi a buszsofőrt. A pap fölháborodva kérdezi: - És én? Engem, aki egész... Komen een slechte priester en een slechte buschauffeur bij de hemelpoort en samen worden ze naar hun verblijf gebracht. Eerst wordt de chauffeur meegenomen naar zijn kamer. Over de top luxe:... After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Saint Peter. “I devoted my entire life... Egy taxisofőr és egy pap egyszerre halnak meg, és felkerülnek a mennyországba. A kapuban Szent Péter fogadja őket. A taxisofőrt karon fogja és egy csodálatos palotához vezeti, amit gyönyörű kert... En taxisjåfør kom til Perleporten. St. Peter fant navnet hans i boken sin og ba ham ta med seg en gullstokk og en silkekappe på vei inn i himmelen. Den neste i køen var en prest. St. Peter så... Um famoso e respeitado padre paulista morre e chega ao céu. Na recepção, um anjo lhe pede para aguardar, o que o prelado acha estranho, pois esperava ser recebido com muitas honrarias. Enquanto... Un prete ed un tassista romano muoiono quasi contemporaneamente e si presentano quindi insieme ai cancelli del Paradiso. San Pietro chiede al primo, il tassista: “Chi sei?”. Il tassista si presenta... Un taximetrist moare si ajunge la usa raiului. Sfantul Petru ii da un toiag de aur acestuia si il invita in Rai... Imediat dupa taximetrist ajunge si un preot la usa raiului, iar Sfantul Petru ii... Mirė tuo pačiu metu taksistas ir kunigas. Prieina prie dangaus vartų, šv. Petras klausia taksisto: - Kuo dirbi? - Taksistu. - Gerai eik. Prieina kunigas. Jam Petras sako: - O tu į pragarą. - Bet...
Religion jokes Tree jokes Car and driving jokes Priest Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes Judge and Court Jokes Priest Jokes
По какво си приличат свещеника и коледното дърво? Priests and Christmas Trees Στολίδια Ποιά η ομοιότητα ανάμεσα σε έναν γέρο και στο Χριστουγεννιάτικο δέντρο; Τα μπαλάκια Quelle est la différence entre un curé et un arbre de Noël ? Quelle est la différence entre un curé et un sapin de Noël ? Aucune: dans les deux cas les boules servent uniquement à décorer. ou bien Les boules du sapin servent au moins une fois dans l'année ! A willy is like a tree in your 20's its like a rock hard oak. In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the... How are Justin Bieber and a Christmas tree similar? Both their balls are decoration only. Hvad er ligheden imellem et juletræ og en steriliseret mand? - Kuglerne hænger kun til pynt Hvad er ligheden på en munk og et juletræ? - Kuglene er kun til pynt. Wat is de overeenkomst tussen de paus en een kerstboom? Bij allebei hangen de ballen er voor de sier! - Mi a közös a pap és a karácsonyfa között? - ???? - Mind a kettőn díszek a golyók. Qual a semelhança entre uma Árvore de Natal e um padre? As bolas são só de enfeite! Le sapin de noël et le curé Quelle est la différence entre un sapin de noël et un curé? Dans les deux cas les boules sont là que pour faire joli
Dirty jokes Christmas Jokes Priest Jokes Priest Jokes
A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down. Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds. They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn. After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn. A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a соw in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a соw. Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door. The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork. Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn. A few moments later there was a knock on the door. It was the соw and the pig!!!
Lawyer Jokes Priest Jokes
John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a вiggеr house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.
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Мъж влиза в църква и се насочва право към изповедалнята. Младеж се изповядва на свещеника: Старец влиза в изповедалнята и казва на свещеника: Incredible Confession в церковь заходит старик и обращается к священнику: - я бы хотел... приходит на исповедь пожилой человек. - отец мой, у меня не было... A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” Ein Mann geht zur Beichte und sagt zum Priester: "Vater, ich bin 80 Jahre alt, verheiratet, habe vier Kinder und elf Enkelkinder, und letzte Nacht hatte ich eine Affäre mit zwei 18-jährigen Mädchen. Ich hatte Sex mit beiden...zweimal!" Darauf der Priester: "Also, mein Sohn, wann warst Du das... Un anciano entra a la iglesia, y al dirigirse al confesionario le dice al cura: - Padre, yo tengo 82 años, soy casado, tengo 5 hijos y 12 nietos. Pero ayer tuve una aventura con dos ardientes muchachas de 20 años. Le hice el amor dos veces a cada... Un hombre de 80 años entró en el confesionario y le dijo al sacerdote lo siguiente: "Padre, yo soy un hombre de 80 años, estoy casado, tengo 4 hijos y 11 nietos. Anoche tuve un romance con dos... A very old man went to a church, making this confession: - Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I had sex... На сповіді: — Пасторе, я згрішив. Моя дружина поїхала на вихідні в село, а я... зрадив їй з іншою. — Скільки разів? — Скільки разів! Та послухайте, пасторе, я ж прийшов сповідатися, а не хизуватися! A gyóntatófülkében egy öregember ezt mondja a papnak: - 92 éves vagyok. Csodás feleségem van, aki 70 éves. Gyerekeim, unokáim, dédunokáim vannak. Tegnap három stoppos tinédzserlányt vittem az... Un anciano entra al confesionario y dice al cura: - Padre, tengo 80 años, estoy casado, tengo cuatro hijos y 11 nietos, y anoche tuve una aventura. Hice el amor a dos chicas de 21 años. ¡A las dos.... An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued: Man: “I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great... O blonda la spovedanie: - Parinte am preacurvit. -De cite ori fica mea.......? - Parinte am venit sa ma spovedesc, nu sa ma laud! Kahdeksankymmentä ja kuolemavälillä oleva tutajava ukkeli käppäilee katoliseen kirkkoon tunnustamaan syntinsä: - Isä, olen 82-vuotta, naimisissa olen ollut yli 40 vuotta. Koko tämän ajan olen ollut... Yaşlı bir adam kiliseye girer ve günah çıkarma kabinine yerleşir. Pederle aralarında aşağıdaki konuşma geçer: Adam: “92 yasımdayım, 70 yaşında harika bir karim, birçok çocuğum, Torunum ve onların... Um senhor de 60 anos entra no confissionário e vai falando pro padre: — Padre, comi uma garota de 16 anos! O padre então, manda ele rezar 10 padre-nossos e 10 ave-Marias. — Mas padre, toda vez q eu... Um velho foi se confessar: — Padre, eu tenho 80 anos, tenho 5 filhos e 11 netos. Ontem eu transei com duas moças de 18 anos, com as duas juntas e duas vezes! — Oh, meu filho! Quando foi a última... Wchodzi staruszek do konfesjonału i nawija: - Mam 92 lata. Mam wspaniałą żonę, która ma 70 lat. Mam dzieci, wnuki i prawnuki. Wczoraj podwoziłem samochodem trzy nastolatki, zatrzymaliśmy się w... Stařec vejde do zpovědnice: „Otče, je mi osmdesát, jsem šedesát let ženat, mám čtyři děti, šestnáct vnoučat a asi šedesát pravnoučat, takže bych měl mít už rozum. Ale včera, co se mi stalo - pařil...
Priest Jokes Priest Jokes
Catholic Terminology
AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE Holy Smoke!
JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Priest Jokes Priest Jokes
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. An elderly man 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn’t have long to live. So he summons the three most important people in his life to tell. 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His... Un vieux pingre va mourir seul, sans famille et sans ami. Peu avant sa mort, il reçoit son avocat, son docteur et son curé pour leur donner à chacun 10.000 euros en espèces avec pour mission... Starzec leży na łożu śmierci. Chciał zabrać ze sobą do grobu swoje pieniądze. Zawołał swojego księdza, lekarza i prawnika: - Tutaj każdy z was dostanie na przechowanie po 30 tys. dolarów. Chcę,... An elderly man gathered together three of his most trusted friends, a doctor, a lawyer, and a priest. He said to his friends, "Now, I know I can't take it with me when I die but I'd like to try."... Zenginin biri, ölüm döşeğindeyken biri doktor, biri papaz, diğeri avukat 3 yakın arkadaşını çağırmış. Bir ricada bulunmuş: "Ömrüm boyunca biriktirdiğim 300.000 $ lık tasarrufum var. bunu yanımda...
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked. At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested. Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.
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