Saint Peter Jokes, Pearly Gate jokes

St. Peter was sat next to the god in heaven when the all of a sudden the pearly gates started to rattle.
God said to Peter,"go and see who is rattling the gates."
Peter ran down the stairway to heaven and opened the pearly gates and there stood a dirтy unwashed man in a vest.
Peter looked the man up and down and said "yes' can I help you?"
The man replied in a broad Irish accent, "Top of the mornin to ya sur, would the good lord have any scrap he be not wanting?"
St. Peter stood silent for a moment then said: "wait here a moment."
Peter shut the gate and ran back up the stairway to heaven and said to God, "It's Pykies my lord, wanting scrap."
God says to St. Peter "Shiт! Lock everything up and hide the keys, then go back down and tell them to вuggеr off!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven opens the gate and tells "the pykie to вuggеr off, slams the pearly gates shut and locks it. Peter returns to the lord."
God says to Peter, "we'll give it half hour then go and see if they have gone."
A half hour passed.
"Peter! Go and see if they have gone!"
Peter runs down the stairway to heaven then returns to God panting and says to God "They have gone, my Lord!"
"Good" says God, "and so have the pearly gates, my lord."

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The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
...And the list goes on for quite awhile. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues,
"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says,
"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies,
"Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says,
"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hеll."

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Lawyer Jokes Heaven And Hell Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Sаinт Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret... Not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "... You never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking.
"Sаinт Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up".
"Good!" replied the old sаinт, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.
"Sаinт Peter, I feel woozy... that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me... It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good... Good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me."
A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete... It's Peggy... It's gonna be a while!"

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A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

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Black preacher is driving home from church and sees the white preacher walking down the road.
He reluctantly pulls over to offer him a ride.
A short distance along the way the whit guy says " you people don't actually think Jesus was black do you?"
"And what makes think he's not?"
The black pastor snaps back.
The conversation becomes so heated less than needed attention was paid to the road and both men died in a trgic head on collision.
When st. Peter opened the pearly gates to heaven before them, there stood Jesus Сhrisт himself.
He spread his arms slowly in a welcoming gesture and said "Buenos dias amigos!"

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An Antartian died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Sаinт Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

The Antartian thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get 12 seconds in a year, and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

The Antartian replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
"OK, I give," said Sаinт Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
The Antartian said, "Well, from the song....Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own..., and the prayer...Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.

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Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes God Jokes

One day St. Peter saw a street gang walking up to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter ran to God and said,
"God, there are some low-life street gang members at the Gates. What do I do?"
God relied, "Just do what you normally do with that type. Redirect them."
St. Peter went back to carry out the order, but he suddenly came running back and yelling, "God, God, they're gone! They're gone!"
"The street gang?"
"No, the Pearly Gates!"

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Four nuns die and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says “c, I once saw a man’s реnis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed.”
The second nun says “St Peter, I once touched a man’s реnis. May I still enter?”
St Peter replies “Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed.”
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. “What is going on?” he asks the fourth nun.
“I’m trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her аrsе in the font”.

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This Priest dies and goes to Heaven…
When he gets there, he finds he’s being judged at the same time as a taxi driver. Sаinт Peter declares that the priest is going to hеll and the taxi driver is going to heaven.
The priest is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hеll, and someone like a mere taxi driver could achieve heaven.
“Well,” says Sаinт Peter. “When you were preaching your sermons, you didn’t do that much to increase piety in the world. In fact you put scores of people to sleep in the pews. But this taxi driver? You can’t believe how many people were wide awake, fervently praying as he sped through the streets.”

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Three men are killed in an auto accident on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven, where they’re met by Sаinт Peter.
“In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, St. Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red раnтiеs.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks St. Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”

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Men jokes Christmas Jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Sаinт Peter required them to present something related to Christmas.
The first man pulled off his sweater and handed it to Sаinт Peter.
“This sweater is made from virgin wool. You know, like Mary was a virgin.”
“Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, but I’m feeling lenient,” Sаinт Peter replied. “You can go on in.”
The second man quickly scratched on a business card and handed it to Sаinт Peter. “Before I died, I was a manager,” he said. “But I scratched off the second ‘a,’ and now it says ‘manger.'”
Saint Peter rolled his eyes. “Okay, that’s really a stretch. But since I let the other guy in, I suppose you can go in as well.”
The third man pulled out a pair of women’s underwear and handed them to Sаinт Peter.
“Now look, this is ridiculous,” Sаinт Peter exclaimed. “I was willing to give the other two guys the benefit of the doubt, but I fail to see how this could possibly be related to Christmas!”
The man blushed and responded, “They’re Carol’s.”

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Sаinт Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St. Peter. …
The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels-I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.” …
St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!” …
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, “I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.” …
“Wonderful!” says Sаinт Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?” …
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, “Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.” …
“Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?”

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George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Sаinт Peter is Einstein. Sаinт Peter questions him.
“You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Sаinт Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Sаinт Peter is suitably impressed.
“You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Sаinт Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Sаinт Peter says, “Go ahead.”
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nudе women: he captures their essences with just a few strokes of the chalk. Sаinт Peter claps.
“Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”
The last to arrive is George Bush. Sаinт Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”
Bush looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs, “For fсuк’s sake, come on in, George.”

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There is a knock on the pearly gates. Sаinт Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Sаinт Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Sаinт Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Sаinт Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.
“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously.
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”

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Men jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he. “I don't understand,” he inquired to Sаinт Peter. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results,” Sаinт Peter explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “sure, some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly!” said Sаinт Peter. “When people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed!”

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A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and Is greeted by Sаinт Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she Strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood Curdling scream!
“What was that?” she asks.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” says Sаinт Peter, “It’s just someone Getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their Halo.” A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even More terrible than the one before.
“What was that?!” she asked anxiously.
“Oh ,don’t worry,” says Sаinт Peter soothingly, “It’s just someone Getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their Wings.” The lady starts to back away.
“Where are you going?” asks Sаinт Peter.
“I think I’ll go downstairs, if it’s all the same to you,” says the Lady.
“But you can’t go there,” says the sаinт, “You’ll be rареd and Sodomized!”
“It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.

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Religion jokes Saint Peter and Pearly Gates Jokes

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Sаinт Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table.
Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
“Hello. How are you?! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.” When Sаinт Peter came by, the woman said to him, ‘This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” Sаinт Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
“Love.” The woman correctly spelled “love” and Sаinт Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Sаinт Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her.
“I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion.
And my wife and I traveled all around the world.
We were on vacation and I went water skiing today.
I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
“Czechoslovakia.

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