Sick and Death Jokes

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Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

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Sick and Death Jokes

“What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.”
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You insensitive ваsтаrd. My little boy died having a fit in the bath.
He choked on a sock.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I saw down a side alley a load of epileptics gathered in a circle, watching two others shaking in the middle together.
I asked one of them, ‘What the hеll is going on?’
He said, ‘First rule of fit club is, you do not talk about fit club’

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Sick and Death Jokes

I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”

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Sick and Death Jokes

The inventor of the red card has died…
He had a good send off.

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Sick and Death Jokes

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

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Sick and Death Jokes

The inventor of the mouse has died.
What vision, to know we’d need one hand free on the computer.

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Sick and Death Jokes

The surgeon said to me, “Do you have a dog?”
I said, “Yes, why?”
He said, “If I can’t save your leg, do you want me to keep the воnе for him?”

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Sick and Death Jokes

“Good morning, class. Today we are going to learn about diseases. Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word ‘cancer’?”
“I can, Sir!”

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Sick and Death Jokes

Don’t wait until you’re on your deathbed to tell people how you really Feel, because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I really hate having bi-polar, it’s brilliant!

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Sick and Death Jokes

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by hiding a tenner in your black suit today.

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Sick and Death Jokes

The inventor of the urinаl deodoriser block has died.
Long may he rest in рiss.

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Sick and Death Jokes

My mum asked me to buy some flowers for my Grandad who recently got diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
Apparently buying a bunch Forget Me Not was insensitive.

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Sick and Death Jokes

“What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.”

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Sick and Death Jokes

Murdered for immortality. Received life sentence.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I told the medium that my wife had died in a horrific traffic accident, when she’d walked out after we’d had a row.
For half an hour we sat there in silence, watching the ouija board.
“That’ll be £50 please,” she said.
“But nothings happened,” I replied.
“Well obviously, she’s still not talking to you,” said the medium, “Now, that’ll be £50.”

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Sick and Death Jokes

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Tonight’s OCD meeting is on, off, on, off, on.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year.
The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony.
Then Time said, “Oh no, we’ll just mail them to you.”

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Sick and Death Jokes

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Ваng Theory laugh track.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Doctor: you don’t have long to live. 10…
Patient: ten what? ten years, ten months?
Doctor: 9… 8… 7…

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Sick and Death Jokes

What kind of coffee do they serve at funerals?
Burial grounds.

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Sick and Death Jokes

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be DYING to get in there.

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Sick and Death Jokes

What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife?
A heartless killer.

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Sick and Death Jokes

You should never try afgani wееd becuse people in afganistan get sтоnеd to death

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Sick and Death Jokes

Why cant a T-Rex Clap
He’s Dead

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Sick and Death Jokes

Chuck Norris one put a plastic bag on his head, and the bag suffocated to death.

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Sick and Death Jokes