Sick and Death Jokes

Most popular in this category

I’ve been waiting 5 hours for my granddad to put on his hulk outfit for a fantasy themed fancy dress party, I’ve finally walked into his room to see what the hold up was, and he’s lying on his bed, blue in the face, I think he’s going as an avatar.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I woke up this morning beside myself with joy.
Time to increase my schizophrenia medication, I think.

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Sick and Death Jokes

This bloke goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “I’m sorry, sir but we don’t have any books on that subject.”
“Why not?”
She stares at him for a while, then asks:
“If we had such a book to lend you, who’s gonna bring it back ?”

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Sick and Death Jokes

I am an agent of Sатаn, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Love is like Heaven... It makes me wish I was dead.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.

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Sick and Death Jokes

My grandad is up with all the new trends, he’s been doing the mannequin challenge for three weeks straight now.

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Sick and Death Jokes

My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash.

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Sick and Death Jokes

“Well nan, ” I said, “this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? ”
“Will you fuск of and let me visit your granddads grave in peace, ” she shouted.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I’m not saying she’s bipolar, but it took me two hours to figure out her mood ring wasn’t a strobe light.

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Sick and Death Jokes

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

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Sick and Death Jokes

Alfred is at his wife’s funeral when the carriers are leaving the church with the coffin. Upon getting to the door, they accidentally run into the frame and they hear a moan from the coffin. Surprisingly, the wife is alive. Alfred smiles and hugs her and they leave the church together.
22 years later, the wife dies again and at the same church, the same carriers are leaving with the coffin. Just as they get to the door, Alfred shouts out “Watch that fсuкing door frame!”

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Sick and Death Jokes

A postman died on his rounds after collapsing in the extreme heat.
Reports say he might have survived but the First Aider, who found him unconscious, left a card saying ‘Sorry you were out’.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.

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Sick and Death Jokes

I tried one of those goal celebrations today, where you run like hеll and then slide on your knees.
However, I didn’t anticipate the shiny floor and I smashed straight into the trestles supporting the wife’s coffin!

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Sick and Death Jokes

If you’re ever feeling down on yourself and need a bit of a pick up, park your car in a disabled bay and stand next to it.
Everyone will tell you there’s nothing wrong with you.

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Sick and Death Jokes

What’s the difference between Cinderella and princess Diana?
Cinderella’s carriage didn’t turn into a wall at midnight.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Tony Verna, Inventor of TV Instant Replay for Live Sports has died at Age 81
His funeral is on at 11.30, then 12.30 and for those who missed it, 1.30.

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Sports Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

I read with interest about the sad case of the young girl who won her court case to be Frozen but to be honest I just think she should have let it go.

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Sick and Death Jokes

Reporter:
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”

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Sick and Death Jokes