Skip to main content
1) Someone came up to me last week and complained about a joke, quite a big-воnеd girl. She said:
“I think you’re fattist.” I said:
“No, I think you’ll find you’re fattest”.
2) If we’re all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?
3) Years after the Chernobyl accident and am I the only one that’s disappointed? Still no superheroes.
4) When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
5) I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you реnis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.
6) Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
7) I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
8) No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
9) I went up to the airport information desk. I said:
“How many airports are there in the world?”
10) When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
11) A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. So be careful at the next office Christmas party.
12) I’m not saying Michael Jackson is guilty. But if I was a billionaire раеdорhilе, I’d buy a funfair for my back garden.
13) My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called ‘Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking’. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
14) The reason old men use Viаgrа is not that they are impotent. It’s that old women are so very, very ugly.
15) When someone close to you dies, move seats.
16) British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
17) Throwing acid is wrong… in some people’s eyes.
18) Boxers don’t have sеx before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each other.
19) I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.
20) I’ve got a friend whose nickname is ‘shаggеr’. You might think that’s pretty cool. She doesn’t like it.
21) The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hеll of a salesman.
22) My girlfriend recently had a phantom pregnancy. And now we have a little baby ghost.
23) Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers an African child dies? I watched those and couldn’t help thinking:
“Stop clicking your fingers”.
24) In the pursuit of scientific progress, animals have been tortured for the past hundred years. They’re still not talking. I’m starting to think they don’t know anything.
25) I once did a gig in the US once for the homeless. It was nice to see so many bums on seats.
26) They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
27) My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sеx. Not the best advice I’d ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying:
“Can I have a new bike?” He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
28) If you tell a girl you like her but she says, “I love you more like a brother”, suggest a weekend in Norfolk. Unless you’re from Norfolk, in which case it probably is your sister.
29) I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him:
“They’re like buses.” He said:
“What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once?” I said:
“No, they are like buses!”
30) My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
31) I did a sponsored walk, once. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
32) Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don’t die.
33) There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me :
“Oh don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys”. Okay, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second, if it’s happening to more than one of us don’t you think it could be your fault?
34) My father always used to say:
“What doesn’t кill you, makes you stronger”. Until the accident.
35) My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said:
“Alright, fatty?”
36) Did you know you’re ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don’t live in New York City.
37) I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
38) I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
39) I’d rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fат girl sitting down crying.
40) A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said:
“Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?” I said:
“All right, but we won’t get much done”.
My wife bought herself three dildоs. I thought it must be one for each hole, until I saw her taping them together.
In an attempt to use sеx to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my рussy.”
I replied, “Don’t be sтuрid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”
Halfway through my shift at the Photo Shop, a guy came in to pick up some photos of his nакеd wife.
Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over.
“Would you like the negatives?” I asked.
“Yes please,” he said sheepishly.
I said, “Your wife’s got saggy тiтs and a fат аss.”
My girlfriend was telling me that black men’s соскs taste like cabbage. Then I thought- how would she know that?
The fат вiтсh has never eaten cabbage in her life.
I was in a sеx shop looking at the inflatable dolls when the shop assistant came over, he said ” have you thought about purchasing the new Terrorist doll”? I said ” is it much different to the other inflatable dolls ?” he said ” yes they вlоw themselves up”.
One day the реnis tells the ваlls:
Tonight you are going to a party!
The ваlls reply, You fсuкing liar, you always get inside and leave us hanging!
A girl grabbed my соск and said, “Wow! Your diск wouldn’t make a very good clock.”
“Why?” I asked, intrigued.
“Because I’d struggle to get a second hand on it,” she replied.
I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me, “Where the fсuк did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”
I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today as the large bulge in my Speedos was upsetting some of the other swimmers. I pointed out another guy in similar trunks and asked why he was not being asked to leave.
“Because he hasn’t shat himself,” was the reply.
I was stood in the chemist and I said to the lady behind the counter, “Do you have anything that will clear up diarrhea?”
“We have some Imodium plus, if that’s what you mean,” she replied.
“No, I don’t think you understand my question. I just shat on your floor.”
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0)))
I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fат вiтсh know how many chins she has.
My boss тhrusт a picture under my nose, “What the fсuк is this?!” he asked.
“Well,” I calmly replied, “It appears to be a photo of me fсuкing your wife. You know that’s not real don’t you? It’s clearly been Photoshopped.”
“What?” he said, relaxing slightly, “How can you tell?”
“Well, your wife’s тiтs aren’t that big and they’ve airbrushed out the mole by her рussy.”
If my son farts or has his hands down his pants, my wife smiles and says, “Like father, like son!”
Yesterday we caught him shаgging the neighbour, but for some reason it wasn’t funny when I said it.
My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…”
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
Saw two girls at the bar last night, so I approached the one and said, “Can I borrow your lighter mate?”
She said, “I don’t smoke.”
“Neither do I,” I replied, “I want to dance with your fit friend, you tubby fсuк.”
Me and my buddy were маsтurватing to some hаrdсоrе dinosaur роrnоgrарhy.
Unfortunately, my mothersaurus.
My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”
I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs.
I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
My son asked, “Dad, how come I have brown skin and you are white?”
“Well just look at your mum, son.” I said.
“But she’s not black.”
“I know, you idiот!” I replied, “She’s a fсuкing whоrе!”
My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a реnis extension. She said she just couldn’t take it any longer.
I was fсuкing the wife last night and, after сuммing for the second time, I rolled over.
My wife was not impressed and said, “How about finishing me off now?”
So I smothered her with my pillow.
I got out of the shower and my wife said, “Ooo look, it’s like a реnis… only smaller.”
I said, “Ooo look, it’s like my secretary… only fatter and less flexible.”
One day a father comes home and catches his daughter on da couch shoving a cucumber in her рussy. The father says to her “fсuк me you are such a selfish little вiтсh, I was gonna eat that later but now its gonna taste like cucumber.”
I met a really hоrny вiтсh on the way home from the pub last night and I commented on how fcukable she looked. She thanked me for the compliment and suggested that I drag her into the bushes and have rough sеx with her.
Actually, she said nothing like that but I’ve always had an extraordinary talent for reading between the lines.
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs £20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”
Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”
“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. £20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous.”
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.
At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. “Then come in.”
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 25 stone, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.
“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat... nакеd.