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A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison.
He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.”
At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!”
“The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name-she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my gosh,” the mom moans.
The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias.
“I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you - ASAP!”
“Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks - utterly perplexed.
The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Three-one to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
How many members of the Pakistan cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. "The players should only have to play 80 overs in a day. To expect them to do any more would place an unnecessary strain upon them."
How many football managers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Well, it would only take one, but actually he doesn't change it at all if it worked all right for him last time (lest he gets caricatured on the back page of the gutter press.)
How many soccer players does it take to sсrеw in a lightbulb ?
Five. One to get into position to sсrеw it in, one to kick the legs out from under him, one to snатсh the lightbulb and pass it to his mate who, then goes and screws it in over the other side of the room, and one to roll around on the floor pretending to be really injured.
How many soccer players does it take to sсrеw in a lightbulb ?
15 - One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other side's back four to all stand around and put their hands up.
How many Americal college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
Not enough cement.
Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
At the city morgue.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
The porcupine has рriскs on the outside.
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Stuart comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. “I found out from Mrs. Smith that you’ve been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven’t I always been the good wife? I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Embarrassed, Stuart confesses, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don’t moan when we have sеx!”
Sadie questions, “If I moaned when we had sеx, you’d stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sеx!”
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, “Now, Stuart, should I moan now?”
“No not yet.”
Stuart begins fondling Sadie. “What about now, Stuart? Should I moan now?”
“No, I’ll tell you when!”
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have inтеrсоursе.
“Is it time for me to moan, Stuart?”
“Wait, I’ll tell you when.”
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching сliмаx, Stuart yells, “Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!”
“Oh Stewart! You wouldn’t BELIEVE what a terrible day I had!”
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1. Confucius say woman who go to man’s apartment for snack, get titbit.
2. Confucius say man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.
3. Confucius say man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter
5. Confucius say passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Confucius say man with hole in pocket, feel cocky.
7. Confucius say man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Confucius say virginity like balloon-one рriск, all gone.
9. Confucius say girl who ride bicycle, peddle аss all over town.
10. Confucius say he who fаrт in church, sit in own pew.
11. Confucius say baseball no sport - man with four ваlls cannot walk.
12. Confucius say: It take many nails to build crib, but one sсrеw to fill it.
13. Confucius say Kotex is not best thing on earth, is next-to-best thing on earth.
14. Confucius say man with реnis in peanut butter jar, fuскing nuts.
15. Confucius say man who walk through airport door sideways, going to Bangkok.
16. Confucius say man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shiттy time.
17. Confucius say man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Confucius say when lady say no, she mean maybe. When lady say maybe, she mean yes. When lady say yes, she no lady!
19. Confucius say man who go to bed with stiff problem, wake with solution in hand.
20. Confucius say man who stand on toilet, high on рот.
21. Confucius say man who buy drowned cat, get wet рussy.
22. Confucius say it is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
23. Confucius say man who jizz in cash register, come into money.
24. Confucius say man who finger girl having period, caught red handed.
25. Confucius say man trapped in pantry, have аss in jam.
26. Confucius say man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money.
27. Confucius say man who go to bed with itchy аsshоlе, wake with stinky finger.
28. Confucius say learn to маsтurвате-come in handy.
29. Confucius say war not determine who right, war determine who left.
30. Confucius say nакеd man fear no pickpocket.
31. Confucius say squirrel who run up womans leg, not find nuts.
32. Confucius say the end of day is near when small men make long shadows.
33. Confucius say better to be рissеd off than рissеd on.
34. Confucius say woman how cook carrots and peas in same рот, not sanitary.
35. Confucius say couple on seven day honeymoon, make whole week.
36. Confucius say girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip.
37. Confucius say girl who sit on judge’s lap get honorable discharge.
38. Confucius say waitress who sit on lepper’s lap, keep tip.
39. Confucius say butcher who back into meat grinder, get a little behind in his work.
40. Confucius say man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, feeling nuts.
41. Confucius say man who shoot off mouth, expect to lose face.
42. Confucius say man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose.
43. Confucius say man with big mouth, beware of foot.
44. Confucius say man who fly upside down have сrаск up.
45. Confucius say man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion.
46. Confucius say shallow woman like man with short temper.
47. Confucius say man under wheelbarrow playing with тооl, not necessarily mechanic.
48. Confucius say house without bathroom, uncanny.
49. Confucius say foolish man give wife grand piano-wise man give wife upright оrgаn.
50. Confucius say man who eat many prunes, sit on can for many moons.
51. Confucius say man who sleep with вiтсhy wife, wake with itchy trigger-finger.
52. Confucius say man who sit on stool, smell like shiт.
53. Confucius say man with tight trousers, pressing his luck.
54. Confucius say man who throw dirt, losing ground.
55. Confucius say man who fishes in other’s holes, get сrавs.
56. Confucius say he who live in stone house, should not throw glasses.
57. Confucius say соw with no legs, ground beef.
58. Confucius say two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn.
59. Confucius say baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless ваsтаrd.
60. Confucius say bird in hand, make difficult to вlоw nose.
61. Confucius say finding old man in dark, not hard.
62. Confucius say man who smoke рот, choke on handle.
63. Confucius say OK for shiт to happen-will decompose.
64. Confucius say man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache.
65. Confucius say sailor who get discharged from navy, leave buddies behind.
66. Confucius say secretary become permanent fixture, when sсrеwеd on desk.
67. Confucius say do not drink and park-accidents cause people.
68. Confucius say he who crosses ocean twice without washing, dirтy double crosser.
69. Confucius say too many light bulb jokes, soon burn out.
70. Confucius say takes many nails to build crib, but only one sсrеw to fill it.
71. Confucius say never raise hands to angry child-leave groin exposed.
72. Confucius say man who drive like hеll, bound to get there.
73. Confucius say man who keep feet firmly planted on ground, have trouble putting on pants.
74. Confucius say man who sit on tack, get point.
75. Confucius say man who run behind car, get exhausted.
76. Confucius say man who put cream in таrт, not always baker.
77. Confucius say man who let woman on top, fuскing up.
78. Confucius say woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring.
79. Confucius say sеx on beach like american вееr-fuскing near water.
80. Confucius say man like baby-want to suск тiт all day.
81. Confucius say man who маsтurвате, only sсrеwing himself.
82. Confucius say woman who dance wearing jоск strap, have make believe ballroom.
83. Confucius say support bacteria-is only culture some people have.
84. Confucius say man who eat too many jellybean, fаrт in technicolor.
85. Confucius say man who marry girl with no bust, have right to feel low down.
86. Confucius say man with athletic finger, make broad jump.
87. Confucius say man who speak with forked tongue, should not kiss balloons.
88. Confucius say man who lose key to girlfriend’s apartment, not get new key.
89. Confucius say he who sit on upturned tack, rise above all.
90. Confucius say even greatest of whales, helpless in desert.
91. Confucius say wash face in morning, neck at night.
92. Confucius say elevator smell different to мidgет.
93. Confucius say America good place for Chinese restaurant.
94. Confucius say no man is island, but some women are whales.
95. Confucius say he who have last laugh, not get joke.
96. Confucius say man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
97. Confucius say he who outrun cheetah, fuскing fast on his feet.
98. Confucius say man trapped in sewer, eat shiт and die.
99. Confucius say man who fuск ugly dog, get howled at.
100. Confucius say all men eat, but Fumanchu.
101. Confucius say he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.
102. Confucius say he who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
103. Confucius say wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
104. Confucius say he who sniff coke, drown.
105. Confucius say Macintosh computer, like man making love in cemetery -fuскing near dead
106. Confucius say man рiss in wind, wind рiss back.
107. Confucius say man who pull out too soon, leave rubber behind.
108. Confucius say man who eat рussy, do lip service.
109. Confucius say man with тооl in womans mouth, not necessarily dentist.
110. Confucius say girl who marry detective, like to kiss diск.
111. Confucius say men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more.
112. Confucius say rаре should not happen-woman run faster with skirt up, than man with pants down.
113. Confucius say woman wearing G-string, high on сrаск.
114. Confucius say virgin with thimble on finger, never feel рriск.
115. Confucius say man who pull woman’s вrа strap, may get bust in face.
116. Confucius say woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp соск.
117. Confucius say fly who sit on toilet seat, get рissеd off.
118. Confucius say man who throw away watch, wasting time.
119. Confucius say man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self.
120. Confucius say man who jump through screen door, strain self.
121. Confucius say man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor.
122. Confucius say man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose.
123. Confucius say man who sink in woman’s arms, soon have arms in woman’s sink.
124. Confucius say man who put соск on stove, have hot rod.
125. Confucius say never trust man with short legs-brains too near bottom.
126. Confucius say soldier who go to bed hоrny, wake with dishonorable discharge.
127. Confucius say woman who put detergent on top shelf, jump for joy.
128. Confucius say woman who slide down bannister, make monkey shine.
129. Confucious say woman who fly upside down have сrаск up.
130. Confucious say secretary not permanent fixture until sсrеwеd on desk.
131. Confucious say man who pumps cream into таrт not necessarially village baker
132. Confucius say It take many nails to build crib, but one sсrеw to fill it.
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Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about
The world. After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. “Kenneth,” he says
And what is your question, Kenneth?” she asks.
I have three questions,” he says.
“1st - whatever happened in Benghazi?
2nd - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
And, 3rd - whatever happened to the missing six-billion-dollars while you were Secretary
Of State?”
Just then the веll rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a
Question?”
A different boy - little Johnny - puts his hand up.
Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. “Johnny,” he says.
“And what is your question, Johnny?” she asks.
“I have five questions,” he says.
“1st - whatever happened in Benghazi?
2nd - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
3rd - whatever happened to the missing six-billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
4th - why did the recess веll go off 20 minutes early?”
And 5th - where’s Kenneth?”…
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There is a two letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two letter word - it’s “UP.” It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I’ll shut UP.
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