Lawyer Jokes

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Why didn't the lawyer steal his coffee?
He wanted legal grounds.

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The attorney filed a motion for a new trial. The judge barked angrily "On what grounds!?"
"Your honor," the lawyer explained, "my client has discovered some money that I didn't know he had."

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What do you call the amount of time it takes to win an argument with a lawyer?
An attornity.

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Do you think they can bury two people in the same grave?...
I've just been wondering ever since I saw a headstone that said,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man".

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What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

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A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife...
They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

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2 kids arguing.
2 little kids were arguing over who's dad has a better job. First kid says,"My dads a doctor." Second kis say,"Yeah well my dad's lawyer." Astonished the first kid says," Honest?" The second kid replied "No, the usual kind."

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What does a black man call a black lawyer?
A brother in law

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The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...
... Like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

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What was the difference between the dead lawyer and the dead cat on the side of the road?
The cat had tire marks before it.

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A blond, a rabbi, a schoolkid, a lawyer, a рrоsтiтuте, the pope, a pirate and George Bush walk into a bar...
The bartender says:
Is this a joke?

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A jew walks into ablack guy bar...
At the same time everyone says "my lawyer is here"

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I hired a lawyer who claims to have never lost a case. We lost the case and I said,
"Well, there goes your advertising claim."
He replied, "I got paid and I call that a win!"
"What if I don't pay you?" I asked.
"I advise you to pay. I'll take you to court, get a judgement for the money you owe plus expenses. I'd call that a win win!"
I said,
"Okay then, what do I owe you?"
His reply, "$2500 dollars plus $350."
"What's the 350 for?" I demanded to know.
His answer... "The advice I just gave you."

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O nce there was a boy named Odd. Odd was the вuтт of jokes his whole life, because of his name, even though he grew up to be a successful lawyer.
When Odd was old and about to die, he said, “People have been teasing me my whole life, and I don’t want them doing it after I am dead, so I don’t want my name printed on my tombstone.”
After Odd died, people saw his blank tombstone and said, “That’s odd!”

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Examining his new will, the old man said to his attorney, “I guess this makes my son and I sort of like football players.”
“How’s that?” the lawyer asked.
“Well, until I kick off, he doesn’t receive.”

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I can't believe I'm actually driving to my lawyers office to go ahead and start filing for divorce from my lovely wife Priyanka Chopra. The sooner it starts the sooner it's gonna finish, I just wanna get it over with so i can marry the young lady that swept me off my feet and completely got me head over heels in love with her. Anushka Sharma i love you honey we will soon get married.------------------Dream finishes and i wake up thinking what if, what if?????????????

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An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”

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I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline.”
“You don’t have much of a case,” he replied.

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Your Honor,” began the defense attorney, “my client has been characterized as an incorrigible bank robber, without a single socially redeeming feature. I intend to disprove that.”
“And how will you accomplish this?” the judge inquired.
“By proving beyond a shadow of a doubt,” replied the lawyer, “that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper.”

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Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

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