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Animal Jokes

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Your as worthless as, Тiтs on a boar hog.
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“Look at that speed!” said one hawk to another as the jet fighter plane hurtled over their heads.
“Hmph!” snorted the other. “You would fly fast too if your tail was on fire!”
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A duck walked into a bakery one day and asked for a pork chop.
The baker said,
"We aren't a butcher; we don't sell meat here."
So the duck left.
The following day the duck went back and asked again.
This time the Baker said,
"No, if you come here again I will nail your feet
To the floor."
The following day the duck returned and asked,
"Have you any nails?"
The baker replied, "No." And the duck said,
"Well, I'll have two pork chops then."
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A British aquarium claims to have the world’s first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they’re playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
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My wife shouted at me today for forgetting to take the lamb out the freezer. Sadly it couldn’t withstand the freezing temperatures and died after a couple of hours.
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I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why? When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
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Found out today that Рirаnhа fish can totally remove the flesh from a child’s body in under 5 minutes.
On the downside, I’ve now been fired from my job at the aquarium.
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I never know who’s more embarrassed during eye contact while my dog is having a shiт.
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A man goes into a pet shop, wanting to buy a bird. He sees a beautiful bird, the loveliest he's ever seen, and asks how much it is. The shop owner replies 'that bird is $1000'. 'What?!?' cries the man, '$1000 for a bird? What does it do?’ 'Well, I'm glad you asked.' says the shop owner, 'you see, that bird can sing every female role in the ring cycle from memory.' The man thinks, ok but I can't afford the bird. He sees a shorter, but still beautiful, bird and asks how much that one is. 'That bird is $2000' replies the shop owner, and the man asks what this bird can do. 'Well, he can play any Paganini concerto you request on the violin from memory' the man thinks wow, but I really can't afford that bird. He then sees an ancient, hunched, half-dead, ugly, bald bird croaking in the corner of the cage, and, thinking that this bird couldn't cost very much, enquires. 'Oh, that bird is $20000' he is told by the owner. Flabbergasted, the man asks what this bird does. 'Oh, we haven't found out yet' the owner replies, 'but the other two call him 'Maestro"
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The crocodile walked into a trendy menswear store, approached the assistant and asked,
"Do you have any shirts with pictures of people on the pocket?"
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Bear fights can often turn grizzly.
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Dogs are such smart animals. They're so intelligent because they mark their territory with urinе. They рее on it, they think it's theirs. That's so smart. Imagine if people did that -- the homeless would own everything.
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It's funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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Two bats and a bunny walk into a restaurant and order a round of pizzas. The waiter brings out the order, and when they're finished he says,
"That'll be 68 bucks, guys."
The bunny pays, and the waiter says,
"We don't get a lot of customers like you guys in here, you know."
The bunny says,
"At 68 bucks for three small pizzas, I'm not surprised."
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It's never easy putting a pet to sleep. That's why we say things like, 'We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.' No, what you decided was that Fluffy's company isn't worth $500.
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What do you call an Alligator in Rhythm
An Algorithme
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Why is a kangaroo like a pool table?
They both have side pockets!
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Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
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It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hеll do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to кill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
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What do you call a соw with two legs?
Lean Beef!
What do you call a соw with no legs?
Ground Beef!
What do you call it when a соw tries to jump over a barbed wire fence?
Udder Destruction!
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