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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said,
"Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said,
"Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."
There's nothing the matter with me, I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin, But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet, Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin. But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join he explains. The biker asks; “Do you have motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, “Yep, my bike’s parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, drink like a fish. I’ll drink everyone in your club under the table.”
The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipp-les a few times.”