Play on words | Double meaning jokes

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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.

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Q: Why do accountants make good lovers?
A: They're great with figures.

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Yesterday I tried to catch fog.
Mist.

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A furniture store keeps calling me.
But all I wanted was one night stand.

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What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?
Doyouthinkysaraus.

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I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

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Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

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Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims. They went through 87 stories in 10 seconds.

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December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.

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I have a horse named mayo...
Mayo neighs.

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I told my friend that she drew her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.

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Q: What do you call a big pile of kittens?
A: A meowntain.

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What’s the rudest type of Elf?
The GofuckyoursElf.

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Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
Guest: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap.
He was high on my list of priorities.

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Q: Why couldn't the pony sing?
A: Because he's a little hoarse.

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An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard, "Woman without her man is nothing." The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

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Why did I divide sin by tan? Just cos.

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