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Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category
Two cats want to cross the river. One is named one-two-three, the other is named un-deux-trois. Who made it across the river first? One-two-three did. Un-deux-trois cat sank.
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Animal Jokes
You guys familiar with Elliot's Peripheral Extrapolation Theorem? That's the one that states that depending on the size of an enclosure, i. E. an aquarium or terrarium, that the animal, i. E. fish or lizard, that you put in that area will grow depending on the size and the room it has to grow in. And based on that, I've been wearing some very large underwear.
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Animal Jokes
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian. "What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Animal Jokes
Abner: We've got a hen down at our house that lays white eggs.
Luke: What's so wonderful about that?
Abner: Can you do it?
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Animal Jokes
Two robins were sitting on a fence post in front of a freshly plowed field. One robin said to the other "I'm hungry! Are you?"
"Yes," said the other robin. "Why don't we go in this field and get some worms to eat." They went in the field and started eating. They ate until they were so full they could not even move. The first robin said "I can't move, lets just stay hear and bask in the sun."
"Ok," said the other robin. In a few minutes both robins fell asleep. Later that day the farm cat came up and ate both robins. When finished he remarked "I love Basken Robins."
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Animal Jokes
Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm.
The minister told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed. He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance.
Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep, then who is the shepherd?"
He was expecting the kids to refer to him. A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said,
" Jesus, Jesus is the shepherd."
The young minister, caught somewhat off-guard, said to the boy, "Well, then, and who am I?"
The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog."
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Religion jokes Kids Jokes Animal Jokes
Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
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Animal Jokes Men jokes
What goes "oooooooooooooooo!!!"?
A соw with no lips.
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Animal Jokes
A pony walks into a bar and asks, "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says,
"What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?" asks the pony.
"What? You have to speak up!" the bartender says.
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you," the bartender says.
"I'm sorry," the pony adds, "I'm just a little hoarse."
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Animal Jokes
Who had the biggest, creepiest, deadliest bug crawling on them without them even knowing it, and then the bug almost stings them, but for whatever reason doesn't sting them and crawls off them and only you know about it?
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Animal Jokes
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.
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Religion jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes
A giraffe walks into a bar.
“Вlооdy hеll,” said the barman. “You’re the first giraffe that’s ever been in here.”
“Not surprised,” replied the giraffe. “That door frame’s far too fuскing low.”
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Animal Jokes
A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord “Fuск me, that must be one clever dog”
“Not really” said the landlord, “Every time he gets a good hand his fuскing tail starts wagging”
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Animal Jokes Men jokes
I saw something cute the other day. I saw this woman pushing a stroller, and in the stroller was a small dog. And I was like, 'Lucky dog.' And she's like, 'Well, he's paralyzed.'
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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes
I bought a new book today called “How to end your pet’s life with dignity”
Even after I’d read it, I just couldn’t put it down.
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Animal Jokes
Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?
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Animal Jokes
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me:
“That’s not true! I do enjoy sеx!”
Then, turning to the counsellor, she said:
“But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”
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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Sex Jokes
Did you hear about the monkey with a steak on his head, thought he was a grills?
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Animal Jokes
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
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Animal Jokes
Q. How do you make a cat flap?
A. Throw it off a cliff.
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Animal Jokes
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