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Animal Jokes

Newest jokes in this category

A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released.
He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do."
He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "You see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiот, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet.
The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to sсrеw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

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Animal Jokes Men jokes

A mother was talking to her three year-old daughter about animals.
The mother asked,
"How does the соw sound?"
The three year old said,
"Moo!"
The mother asked,
"How does a duck sound?"
The three year old answered,"Quack!"
The mother asked,
"How does a frog sound?"
The three year old said,
"Bud!!!"

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Kids Jokes Animal Jokes

What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!

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Animal Jokes

Can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is. Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually do break dancing.

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Animal Jokes

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"

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Animal Jokes

Mating call of a seagull:
“Twert Twert!”
Mating call of an owl:
“Twoo Twooo!”
Mating call of a blackbird:
“Stick it up my аss Winston!”

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Animal Jokes

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

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Animal Jokes

What did the sick fish say to his friend?
I'm a little green around the gills.

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

I thought I'd like this thing because I like meat. Three days into it, I had eaten so much meat, I was perusing the neighborhood at four in the morning looking for cats and stuff. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I've got bacon fат dripping off my eyelashes. People are like, 'Hey, you look pretty good. Did you lose some weight?'
'Get over here. I'll eat your face right off your head.'

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Animal Jokes Fat Jokes

Why can’t you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
Because they’d only have one pair of trunks.

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Animal Jokes

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

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Animal Jokes

I might vote for Bush. I'm confused. My dog is not confused; he sees a bush, he knows exactly what to do.

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Animal Jokes

Some deer were talking with each other in the woods.
"There goes Barney the buck, out on his sales route."
"They say he's their top selling salesdeer, selling cosmetics to the ladies."
"I wonder what makes him so successful?"
"It's simple. He goes doe to doe!"

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Animal Jokes

Daisy and Bullett, two horses, were talking. "Woe is me!" said Daisy.
"Why so glum, chum?" asked Bullett.
"I really don't feel that down," Daisy replied. "It's just that my owner, Roy, keeps reinforcing affliction and distress upon me. It happens every time we hit the trail."
"I think you're imagining things, " countered Bullett.
"Here comes Roy now, for a ride. I'll prove it to you." Daisy trots off with Roy on his back. They run a half mile or so, then turn around. As they rounded the corner towards Bullett's pen, he heard Roy yell, "Whoa, Daisy, whoa!"
"What'd I tell you?" Daisy shouted to Bullett. "Woe is me!"

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Animal Jokes

I’m organizing a bird-watching expedition. Do you want to join me? I will be looking for:
An Emerald-Throated Dowager,
The Bleary-Eyed Hangover,
The Gimlet-Eyed Titwatcher,
An Extra Marital Lark,
A Rosy-Breasted Mattress Thrasher.
The Ruffled Spouse
The Hairy-Chested NutScratcher,
The Bluenosed Killjpy
The Pencil-Necked Geek
The Exorbitant Gas Bill
The Round-Heeled Pushover
And the Vested Interest

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Animal Jokes

Some people have a hard time understanding how Noah could fit all those animals inside the ark...
But what amazes me is that Noah built the ark without a single power тооl.

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Religion jokes Animal Jokes Single People Jokes

The sheep were standing around talking to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "mooooooooooo".
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Mooooo, moooooo, mmmooo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

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Animal Jokes Friendship Jokes

Why does a Giraffe have long legs?
So that it can reach the ground.

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Animal Jokes

Two flies on a piece of dog shiт. One of them farts, the other says, “Do you mind, I’m having my dinner”.

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Animal Jokes