Good jokes

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A true Englishman can actually differentiate at least 805 shades of grey.

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The European Commission discovered another inequality – women are on average shorter than men.
They established a sub-committee that vowed to do away with this gender discrimination by 2025.

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“Mr. Somniac, do you think the Americans could influence Russian elections?”
“Hardly. Not even Russian voters are capable of that.”

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Being a mom is awesome! You wake up in the morning, make yourself some coffee – and in the evening you sit down and drink it in peace and quiet.

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My horrible neighbor would never reveal her true age. But there are some subtle clues, for instance she has a miniature from Vincent Van Gogh instead of a photo in her passport, and a signed copy of the Bible.

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In books, there hides great knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; corruption is a сriме; сriме doesn't pay... basically, if you keep on reading, you’ll end up a beggar.

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My wife was complaining that only women are capable of doing more than one thing at once and how unfair that was.
So I told her to just shut the heck up and walk away.
Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t manage either.

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Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.

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If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.

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Well, Johnny, what did you get your Grandma for her birthday?”
“A baseball.”
“Johnny, what were you thinking?! Grandma doesn’t play baseball!”
“So? She got me some books for my last birthday.”

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Help a woman when she’s in trouble.
She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.

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My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.

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A little girl is praying, “Dear Lord, please provide enough warm clothes for all the impoverished ladies in daddy’s computer…”

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(At career day with parents)
“Well, Miss Green, he’s no good for a trade, that’s for sure… Could he at least do some college?”

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Teacher:
“Whoever can tell me some actual fact about the history of the 1700s will get an A.”
Little Johnny:
“Everybody from that time is now dead.”

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I heard a мidgет got pickpocketed on our street the other day. I don’t understand how anybody can stoop so low.

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There are many things in life that give me great joy. For instance cooking my children and ignoring commas.

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A cannibal who recently moved into civilization sees his friend walking down the street, carrying an urn.
“Wow, you even have instant meals here?!”

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What’s the difference between a psychopath and a psychiatrist?
The psychiatrist has the keys.

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Artificial intelligence is very impressive but it’s got nothing on natural idiocy.

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