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Grandpa, what is a pension?”
“A sad reminder of a wage.”

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Three little pigs are sitting huddled in their little house, shivering with fear.
After much huffing and puffing, the door finally gives in and smashes and in walks the wolf.
“Shalom,” he greets the three little pigs.
“Oooof…,” sigh the three little pigs in relief.

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Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces. Like when I go to the bar and I’m afraid they’ll be closed.

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Scientists have proven that men are brighter than women. They found out that
Where a man thinks, a women has a hole.

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I have a great fear of choking, but the worst possible time to choke is probably when you’re playing charades.

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Comrade President, our people are dying of hunger!”
“Release a statement we are radically reducing the number of people below poverty line!”

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April 1st. The only day in the year when media articles are viewed with some suspicion.

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Bulimia, plastic surgery, anorexia – all those are deeply personal, taboo subjects. But talk about botox? Nobody raises an eyebrow.

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You can go anywhere you like; you must only look serious and carry a clipboard.

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It may seem like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actively waiting for my problems to disappear.

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It only takes 20 years for a liberal to turn into a conservative, without having to change a single idea.

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"Hello? Am I speaking to the Lost and Found?"
"No, this is the oncology department. So more of a Found and Lost."

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Why do prisons only use microfiber pillows and bedcovers?
Because they fear the Icarization of prisoners.

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The better the breaks, the deeper the dents on the back bumper.

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London Museum of Natural History just opened an exhibit on the Rolling Stones.

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What do Amsterdam and Tour de France have in common?
Loads of people on drugs riding bikes.

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What doesn’t кill you – makes me angry.

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Global warming?
Just the British burning pointless documents from the EU.

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It was dark last night when I heard the creak of a door and very silent footsteps. I look up to see my closet door is open – and see my very expensive coat going slowly out of fashion.“

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A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, “So how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?”
“Well, doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my step-daughter.
When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her and they eventually married. So my step-daughter became my step-mother. Then my wife gave birth to our son who of course was my father’s brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my step-daughter was my step-mother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my step-mother, is my grandmother and I am her grandson. But that’s not everything, because I’m married to my step-grandmother, I’m not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that’s enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn’t you agree?”

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Good jokes