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Good jokes

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A new psychiatrist is making rounds, getting acquainted with his new patients, and asks one of them, “So how did you get here, anyways, Mr. Schleppel?”
“Well, doctor, it started with me getting married, a thing I never should have done. I married a widow with an adult daughter who thus became my step-daughter.
When my father came to visit us at Thanksgiving, he fell in love with her and they eventually married. So my step-daughter became my step-mother. Then my wife gave birth to our son who of course was my father’s brother-in-law, because he was the brother of his wife. And because my step-daughter was my step-mother, my son was also my uncle. That means that my wife, being the mother of my step-mother, is my grandmother and I am her grandson. But that’s not everything, because I’m married to my step-grandmother, I’m not only her husband and grandson, but also my own grandfather. I think that’s enough to make anybody go nuts, wouldn’t you agree?”

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An English lord calls in his butler, “William, кill that fly at the window for me, please.”
“Why, sir?”
“I’d like to be alone.”

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An American calls his Russian friend, “Ilya, I just saw on TV that you have this horrible cold wave, are you OK?”
Ilya replies, “Yeah, sure, we’re fine, it’s not that cold…”
American:
“But they said you have like -40 F over there!”
Ilya:
“Nah, it’s more like 5, that’s normal for a winter.”
American:
“Are you sure? They were showing totally frozen trees, roads covered in ice…”
Ilya:
“Ah I get it! You mean outside!!”

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A bored customs officer at a border asks a driver, “Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol?”
The driver is confused, “Er… coffee, please?”

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Has anybody noticed how we’ve replaced the doffing of the hat with taking out the earbuds when we meet someone?

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At a press conference:
“Mr. Bush, is it true that you have proof that Iraq owns nuclear weapons?”
“Yes, we have the receipts.”

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I wonder, is there a Christian rock band called AC/BC?

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I dated a tennis player but I’ll never make such a mistake again.
Love has zero meaning to them.

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A Russian military team is flying towards Chechnya at the height of the conflict.
The team leader is instructing his men, "Guys, for every Chechnian head you'll get a bottle of vоdка!"
The plane lands, soldiers burst out of the doors without waiting for anything else and come back in a few minutes, each dragging a few heads.
The leader is awaiting them all pale and sweaty:
"Guys, this was just a layover in Kyev!"

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How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.

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How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Five. One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room starts going round and round.“

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So how was summer in Alaska?”
“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunк on both days.”

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My husband came home from work today and asked why it’s not tidy when I’ve been home the whole day.
I asked him how come we’re not rich when he’s been at work the whole day.

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Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever:
“Quit rattlin’ the ladder ya little hooligan!”

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I tried one of those organic
Deodorant stick. It said in the instructions:
1. Remove the cap
2. Push thumb up the bottom part for application.
It is very difficult to sit but my farts smell very nice now.

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How many women were born in 2018?
None. Only baby girls and baby boys.“

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That awkward moment when you whisper in your boyfriend's ear that you want to feel him inside you and he sticks his finger in your nose.

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Feeling adventurous? Go to a Walmart changing room and after five minutes start asking loudly where they keep the toilet paper!

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I saw an ad recently: LASER HAIR REMOVAL. But come on, if you had laser hair, would you really want to remove them? No, you’d be starting world dомinатiоn!

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Patient to his doctor:
“Doctor, please help me. I think I’m a moth.”
The doctor says:
“I’m sorry, but I’m not your guy. You have to go see a psychiatrist.”
The patient sighs:
“I wanted to. But the light in your office is so much brighter!”

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