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April 1st. The only day in the year when media articles are viewed with some suspicion.

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Comrade President, our people are dying of hunger!”
“Release a statement we are radically reducing the number of people below poverty line!”

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I have a great fear of choking, but the worst possible time to choke is probably when you’re playing charades.

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Scientists have proven that men are brighter than women. They found out that
Where a man thinks, a women has a hole.

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Claustrophobia is a fear of closed spaces. Like when I go to the bar and I’m afraid they’ll be closed.

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Three little pigs are sitting huddled in their little house, shivering with fear.
After much huffing and puffing, the door finally gives in and smashes and in walks the wolf.
“Shalom,” he greets the three little pigs.
“Oooof…,” sigh the three little pigs in relief.

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Grandpa, what is a pension?”
“A sad reminder of a wage.”

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Artificial intelligence is very impressive but it’s got nothing on natural idiocy.

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What’s the difference between a psychopath and a psychiatrist?
The psychiatrist has the keys.

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A cannibal who recently moved into civilization sees his friend walking down the street, carrying an urn.
“Wow, you even have instant meals here?!”

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There are many things in life that give me great joy. For instance cooking my children and ignoring commas.

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I heard a мidgет got pickpocketed on our street the other day. I don’t understand how anybody can stoop so low.

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Teacher:
“Whoever can tell me some actual fact about the history of the 1700s will get an A.”
Little Johnny:
“Everybody from that time is now dead.”

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(At career day with parents)
“Well, Miss Green, he’s no good for a trade, that’s for sure… Could he at least do some college?”

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A little girl is praying, “Dear Lord, please provide enough warm clothes for all the impoverished ladies in daddy’s computer…”

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My friend got herself a puppy. It’s so incredibly cute and playful! Unfortunately her husband is allergic so it really doesn’t work out.
If you’re interested, please send a message. His name is Marcel, he’s 54 years old and he weighs 216 pounds.

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Help a woman when she’s in trouble.
She will remember you when she’s in trouble again.

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Well, Johnny, what did you get your Grandma for her birthday?”
“A baseball.”
“Johnny, what were you thinking?! Grandma doesn’t play baseball!”
“So? She got me some books for my last birthday.”

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If you want to keep a true perspective of your own importance, get a dog that will worship you and a cat that will scorn you.

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Sometimes it’s time to lay on the couch and do nothing at all for two years.

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