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At a disco:
He: “Wow, what’s a cute girl like you doing in a corner all alone?”
She: “I had to fаrт.”

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Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.
A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

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An 87-year-old man chats with his doctor: "So, I'm getting married again next week, doc!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! And how old is the bride?"
"She's 19."
"That's fantastic – but I have to warn you, too much action in the bed can be deadly!"
"Ah well, if she dies, I'll just have to remarry."

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I Googled "how to start a wildfire".
I got 48,500 matches.

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- I made cookies for you. It is an apology because I crashed your car.
- You did what?!
- Cookies. I made cookies for you.

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Two blind pilots get on a plane and walk right through the main aisle, sporting white canes and dark shades.
The passengers are mildly concerned but assume it’s all a joke.
The plane starts taxiing on the runway, picking up speed, rolling, barreling down, still not taking off, you can already see the end of the runway, the passengers already start panicking and screaming when the plane suddenly lifts off and all is well.
One of the pilots says to the other,
“You know what my biggest worry is? That one day they start screaming too late and we’re all gonna die.”

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I was picking up my girl. Her dad looked at me very
Sternly and said,
"I want her home by midnight, young man!"
I said,
"What do you mean? You already own her home!"

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Shouldn’t pregnant women be called body builders?

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Some nice Chinese couple gave me a very good camera down by the Washington Monument.
I didn’t really understand what they were saying, but it was very nice of them.

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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

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Girl:
"I'm sick and tired of you pretending to be Some detective ace all the time. I think we should split up."
Me:
"Excellent idea. That way we can cover more ground."

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What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?
A creature that suскs blood from your knees.

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What is the difference between a German and a Sicilian insurance company?
In the German insurance company, they tell you with considerable precision how many people are going to die next year.
In the Sicilian one, they can even give you their names.

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A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.
Sadly, he lost his case.

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A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.”
The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points.
"I see the Sun," answer the man.
The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus, how much further do you want to see?!”

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A Texan tourist stands under the Eiffel tower in Paris and looks upon it in awe.
“Amazing tower,” he comments to a French guy nearby, “how many barrels does it get out in a day?”

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An ant is walking down the road. A соw comes along and splats him with a huge cowpat. Bam! The ant takes three hours digging itself out from underneath all that роор. When finally does, he shakes his fist:
Damn it, straight in the eye!”

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