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In Washington D.
C. they ran out Tickle Me Elmo dolls, so now they have Fоndlе Me Packwood dolls.

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News and Politics Jokes

An American cowboy was traveling in England and decided to stop at a tea shop for a drink. On the menu there were several different teas to choose from. When the waitress came to take his order, the cowboy asked, "Ma'am, what the hеll do all these names mean?"
The waitress calmly replied, "We have basically three types of tea, sir. The peacove tea is 90% substance and 10% aroma, the orange tea is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and the Blackberry tea is an acquired taste."
The cowboy responded, "Where I come from, we have three types of tea too, Ma'am. There's s-h-i-T which is 90% substance and 10% aroma, there is f-a-r-T which is 10% substance and 90% aroma, and then there is c-u-n-T which is an acquired taste."

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The Tomato Seller!
A man from another country came to the U.S. and learned three phrases.1.Only fifty cents2. Very, very fresh3. Not today, maybe tomorrow. A lady came to his tomato stand and said ''how much are these tomatos?'' The man said ''Only fifty cents''. Than she asked ''are they fresh?'' The man said ''Very, very fresh''. She then asked, ''Can I buy one?'' The man said, ''Not today maybe tomorrow.'' A thief comes and said ''I'm a thief how much money do you have?'' The Tomato Seller said, ''Only fifty cents''. The thief said, ''Are you being fresh with me?'' The Tomato seller said ''Very, very fresh''. The thief said ''Alright, that's it. I'm going to shoot you.'' The Tomato Seller said ''Not today maybe tomorrow!"The moral to this story is: If you go to a foreign country, learn as much of the language as possible!'

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News and Politics Jokes

Tony Brown: On Lorena Bobbitt.
You've got women cuttin' men's things off on TV. You've come a long way, baby.

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News and Politics Jokes

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest senator and an old drunк are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 dollar bill. Who gets it?
A: The old drunк, of course - the other three don't exist.

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Top 10 Reasons to Live in Quebec:
1. Everybody assumes you're an a**hole
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirтy French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the ''Anglo ваsтаrds''

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News and Politics Jokes

Top 10 Reasons to Live in Saskatchewan:
1. You never run out of wheat
2. Those cool Saskatchewan Wheat Pool hats
3. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning
4. Your province is really easy to draw
5. You never have to worry about roll-back if you have a standard
6. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbor's house
7. YOUR Roughriders survived
8. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours
9. People will assume you live on a farm
10. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense

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Top 10 Reasons to Live in Manitoba:
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property
2. Amusing town names like ''Flin Flon'' and ''Winnipeg''
3. All your local bands make it big and move to Toronto
4. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government
5. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
6. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
7. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work
8. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood
9. Because of your license plate, you are still ''friendly'' even when you cut someone off
10. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by

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News and Politics Jokes

Top 10 Reasons to Live in Ontario:
1. You live in the center of the universe
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
5. Your grandparents sold вооzе to the States during Prohibition
6. Lots of tourists come to Toronto because they mistakenly believe it's a cool city
7. The only province with hard-core American-style crime
8. MuchMusic's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar
9. Baseball fans park on your front lawn and рее on the side of your house
10. Mike Harris: basically a sober Ralph Klein

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Top 10 Reasons To Live in New Brunswick:
1. You are sandwiched between French аsshоlеs and drunken celtic fiddlers
2. One way or another, the government gets 98 percent of your income
3. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies
4. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours
5. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston
6. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick
7. You have French people, but they don't want to кill you
8. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse
9. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen
10. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television

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Top 10 Reasons To Live In Nova Scotia:
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a моrоn who set a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Nеwfiе, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sеxuаl pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city

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News and Politics Jokes

Top 10 Reasons To Live On Prince Edward:
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big-аss bridge
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour
3. You were probably once an extra on ''Road to Avonlea''
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows
6. Tourists arrive, see the ''Anne of Green Gables'' house, then promptly leave
7. You can drive across the the province in two minutes
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night

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News and Politics Jokes American Jokes

Top 10 Reasons To Live In Newfoundland:
1. The poorest, stupidest, drunkest province in Confederation
2. If Quebec Separates, you will float off to sea
3. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss a dead cod
4. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products
5. If you do something sтuрid, you have a built-in excuse
6. You understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics
7. The work day is about two hours long
8. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines
9. If someone asks if you're from Nova Scotia, you are allowed to kick their ass
10. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders on your wedding day

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Top Ten Reasons For Being English:
1. Two World Wars and one World Cup
2. Proper beer
3. You can confuse everyone with the rules for cricket
4. You get to accept defeat graciously
5. Union Jack Underpants
6. You can live in the past and imagine that you're still a world power
7. You can bathe once a week whether you need to or not
8. You can change your underwear once a week whether you need to or not
9. Beats being Scottish
10. Beats being Welsh

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In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hеll are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!"
"That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me sсrеwing the guy in front of me?"

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One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.'' The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.'' The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''

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News and Politics Jokes American Presidents Humor

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front.
He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it.
He said, “Please, madam, I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”
The lady replied, “No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”
The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck,
So he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,
“Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I’m very tired. May I please sit here?”
The woman told him,
“I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”
At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.
An old man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,
“You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you’ve thrown the wrong b!itch out of the window!”

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What is the name of the Russian Doctor who performs sеx-change surgery?
It's Doctor Kutchakockof!

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News and Politics Jokes

-If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of вееr and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way - this is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" - stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

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Q: How many bleached-blonde, boney, right-wing, political pundits who resemble transvestites does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
A: Just the one.

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