Newest jokes - Page 11

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

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Calling for information about one of my credit cards, I got the following recorded prompt: "Please enter your account number as it appears on your card or statement."
I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code."
After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."

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Customer service jokes Communication Jokes Phone jokes

Q: Why did the blond layout on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
A: She wanted to get a dark tan.

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Blonde Jokes Beauty Jokes Stupid Jokes

A lawyer has just settled down in his new office. So now, he is thinking what he can do to have clients.
After a long time thinking, a man comes into the office.
Right away, the lawyer decides to make his new plan take action.
So he picks up the phone and says: "Unfortunately, Ms. Onassis, I cannot undertake your case right now. I am working full time, call me in a month to see if I can help you."
He puts the phone down and says to the waiting man: "How can I help you sir?"
"Nothing really, I am from telephone communications, I just came to connect your phone."

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Judge and Court Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Lawyer Jokes Communication Jokes Phone jokes

Most kids рее their name into snow... Chuck Norris рissеs his in concreate...

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Chuck Norris Jokes Kids Jokes

A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary:
Darling, have you been unfaithful to me?
Yes, honey, three times.
When was the first time?
Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but nobody would give you any credit?
And finally the CEO of the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you.
Thanks, darling.
And when was the second time?
Do you remember when you were very ill and nobody would agree to make the surgery for you?
And finally the head of the department took care of you?
Thank you darling, you saved my life.
And with whom have you been unfaithful to me for the third time?
Do you remember when you were a candidate to the position of city mayor and you were missing 36 votes?

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Cheating Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Banker Jokes

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sеx.
Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"
So the second old man rushed to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?"
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.
"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.
Leon replies, "Dамn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

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Sex Jokes Men jokes

"Mommy," Little Johnny asked, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
"No, dear," she replied. "Sometimes they start with 'Darling, I'll be working late at the office tonight...'"

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes Little Johnny Jokes

A few guys tried to follow Chuck Norris during a light workout while he was vacationing in Hawaii.
It's now called the Ironman Triathlon.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

There is no backspace button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris never makes mistakes.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Chuck Norris was born feet first. It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Birthday Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife.
‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’
‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks. ‘Gold of course,’ replies the man.
‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife. ‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’

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Men jokes Sex Jokes

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court.
The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"
"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear.
He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.
"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me."
"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said,
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

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Divorce Jokes Sports Jokes Animal Jokes Baby Jokes

"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

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Marriage and Family Jokes Jokes about Women Insult Jokes Military Jokes Political Jokes

You know, I have Google+, Facebook, Twitter, Skype accounts...
Man, and do you have life?
OMG, No! Could you send me a link?

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Facebook Jokes Technology Jokes Computer Jokes Social Network Jokes Men jokes History Jokes

Life Lemons Saying:
White Guy: When Life gives you lemons enjoy them with friends.
Black Guy: When Life gives you lemons sell them, buy a gun, point it at life and say "More lemons mother Fuскеr".

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Friendship Jokes

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.
Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The teacher says, "Of course not Johnny", To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants."

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School Jokes Gross Jokes Little Johnny Jokes Fart Jokes

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish.
The man replys, "What about three?" The genie retorts " Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that dамn lamp for. . ."
"OK, alright" the guy responds.
"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii.
I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii."
This рissеs the genie off.
He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical."
"Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate techtonics, the continental shelf. . ."
"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women."
The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four?"

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Genie jokes Jokes about Women Men jokes Sex Jokes Aviation Jokes

During an international gynaecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently.
"Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a сliтоris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin.
"I was talking about the flavour!"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Jokes about Women God Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Gynecology Jokes

Eleven year old’s environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution:
"When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

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School Jokes Old People Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

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