Newest jokes - Page 3

Is it true that 5 minutes of laugh prolongs your life by 5 minutes?
It depends who you are laughing at – it may as well shorten it...

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Life Jokes

A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll sсrеw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shiт!?! What law firm do you work for?"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man.
But hеll does that burn!

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Jokes about Women Dirty jokes Men jokes

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted: "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee.
"Honey," he said, "Will you buy me a new computer?"

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Marriage and Family Jokes School Jokes Food Jokes Computer Jokes Love Jokes

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my вееr.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your вuтт kicked on Cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific.
The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over?
Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking?
You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of сrаск, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm?
That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

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Police Officer Jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Beer Jokes

Q: What is the difference between northern and southerner fairytales?
A: Northerner starts off with "Once upon a time..." a southerner starts with "listen to this shiт..."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes

Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?"
Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes God Jokes

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter.
When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: "Yeah, three males and two females."
Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference.
He said: "Three were on a вееr can and two were on the phone."

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Men vs Women Jokes Men jokes Friendship Jokes Beer Jokes

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
To which the farmer replied:
"Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

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Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Police Officer Jokes

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it.
He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya!"

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Priest Jokes Money jokes Kids Jokes

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Sports Jokes

Elderly Man: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic."
Priest: "I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war."
Elderly Man: "I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed."
Priest: "That's not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive."
Elderly Man: "Should I tell him the war is over?"

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Jewish Jokes Military Jokes Old People Jokes Priest Jokes History Jokes Priest Jokes

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn't have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

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Car and driving jokes Police Officer Jokes Communication Jokes

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No, think of another
wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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Divorce Jokes Jokes about Women Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes Genie jokes Communication Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A police officer pulled a young woman over for speeding and politely asked to see her license.
"Why don't you cops get your act together," she said in a huff.
"Yesterday you take my license away, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes

If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I'm laughing, I've already done it.

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Jokes

Two girls were comparing boyfriends.
"Mine's the best," said the first.
"I call him Seven-Up because he's 7 inches long and he's always up!"
"Oh yeah," exclaimed the other, "I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel's because he's the best hard licker there is!"

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Friendship Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

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Jokes about Women Men vs Women Jokes

Chuck Norris once entered a black hole just to see what was in it. Dissapointed, he then walked out.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

Einstein and a colleague were sitting having a coffee chatting about physics.
His colleague suddenly stopped, pulled out a small notebook and wrote a couple of words in it.
Einstein asked "What was that for?"
His colleague replied. "I always carry a small notebook around with me, and then, if ever I have a good idea, I can make a quick note so as not to forget it later. You should try it Albert".
Einstein replied "Oh, I don't need one of those, I've only ever had two good ideas".

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Science jokes Coffee Jokes

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