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Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old.
If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.
He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
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A guy is walking the sтriр in Vegas when a fantastic looking hоокеr catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How much do
you charge?"
The hоокеr replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."
The guy says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy сrар, no hand job is worth that kind of money."
The hоокеr says, "You see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"
"Yes."
"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"
"Yes."
"Well," said the hоокеr, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
So the guy says, "What the hеll? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a вlоw job is $1000."
The hоокеr says, "No, $1500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a вlоw job!"
The hоокеr replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two
casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give вlоw jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."
The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying
a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some рussy?"
The hоокеr says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"
"Dамn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"
The hоокеr says, "No. But I would . . . if I had a рussy."
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A man and woman were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor:
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad." Gushed son number one... "Sorry I'm running late, i had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present"."
Not to worry." Said the dad. "The important thing is that we're all here together today."
Son number two arrived and announced. "You and Mom still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... Sorry."
It's nothing." Said the father. "Glad you were able to be here."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."
Again the father said. "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said. "Listen up, all three of you, there's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'
The three kids gasp and said. "You mean we're ваsтаrds."
Yep." Said the dad. "And cheap ones too."
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A successful London banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he got out, a bus came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The banker immediately whipped out his phone and dialed 999.
The police were there in a couple of minutes. Before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the banker started screaming how his car, which he just picked up that day, was completely ruined and would never be the same again.
After the banker finally finished his rant, the policeman shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!"
"How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily.
The policeman replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the bus hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror.
"Вlооdy Неll!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?"
докарват една мутра, която е претърпяла катастрофа в пирогов. Некој богат човек си се возел во новото Ферари и направил сообраќајка… The Hit and Run Case A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious... One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the... A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A... One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported... A lawyer opens the door of his BMW. Another car speeds by and hits the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrive, the lawyer is complaining bitterly. ‘Officer, look what they’ve done... Un abogado se compra un BMW nuevito y sale a mostrárselo a los otros abogados en el tribunal. Llega y estaciona sobre la derecha, abre la puerta para salir y en ese momento pasa un camión y le... Clodomiro era un abogado muy avaro, un día se compró un Rolex y un Mercedes-Benz. Al día siguiente fue a la corte a resolver un caso de un ladrón que mató a alguien. Cuando llegó, al abrir la... Ein Porschefahrer überschlägt sich mit seinem Wagen auf der Autobahn. Als die Sanitäter ihn aus dem Wagen bergen jammert dieser: "Mein Porsche, mein schönes Auto!" Sanitäter: "Der Wagen ist doch... Ένας δικηγόρος πάει να κατεβεί από το αυτοκίνητο του, όταν ένα άλλο περνάει Και του διαλύει την πόρτα τελείως. Έρχεται η αστυνομία και ο δικηγόρος Διαμαρτύρεται εντόνως για την καταστροφή της... Um advogado estacionou seu BMW novo em folha na frente de seu escritório, pronto para mostrá-lo aos seus colegas. Logo que ele abriu a porta para sair, um caminhão passou raspando e arrancou... Um judeu estava viajando com sua BMW, quando de repente bateu em um poste. Ele sai desesperado do carro todo amassado dizendo: — Ai, meu Deus, meu carra! Pouco depois, os bombeiros chegam. Um deles... Atrasado para a audiência, o advogado abre rapidamente a porta do seu carro, porém, infelizmente, outro carro bate nele, levando a porta pelos ares. Desconsolado, o advogado reclama para o policial... Jedzie Szkot autem, zatrzymał się otwiera drzwi i bach... jakiś samochód uderza mu drzwi i je wyrywa. Przyjeżdża policja i karetka, wysiada doktor a Szkot: - O mój Boże! Mój samochód! Doktor na... En advokat körde på landsvägen med sin nya BMW och sjöng för sig själv: - Jag älskar min BMW, jag älskar min BMW... Eftersom han fokuserade mer på sin bil än på vägen så slutade bilresan med att... Een advocaat opende de deur van zijn BMW toen er plotseling een auto langs kwam rijden die de deur raakte en hem er finaal afreed. Toen de politie op de plaats van het ongeval arriveerde, klaagde... Een advocaat loopt naar zijn auto en doet de deur open. Er komt ineens een auto heel hard aanrijden. Hij raakt de deur van de auto van de advocaat. De deur vliegt er vanaf. De advocaat belt de... Een rijke patser krijgt met zijn Ferrari een geweldig auto ongeluk. Hij moet uit het wrak gezaagd worden en de zwaar gewonde man jammert terwijl de brandweer bezig is. "Oh mijn ferrari... Mijn...
Money jokes Banker Jokes
An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 francs.
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 francs.
The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 francs.
Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 francs.
This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said. "Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."
In response, the old lady веnт forward conspiratorially and muttered. "Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter."
Имала една жена малко магазинче, в малко градче, не печелела много, но стигало да преживее. Един днес обаче, точно срещу нея, отворил голям супермаркет и веднага сложили табели с отстъпките си по прозорците. Една от тях била, "Масло - 3:50 лв" В отговор жената от малкото магазинче сложила табела... Sam opent een winkel tegenover een grote supermarkt. Op een ochtend staat op de supermarkt geadverteerd: "Roomboter 1,49." Meteen hangt Sam een bord op: "Roomboter 1,29." De volgende dag hangt er...
Jokes
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sеx life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sеx.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Nothing.
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
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Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the river Thames in London...
The smaller one turned to the вiggеr one and said,
"I can't understand how you can be so much вiggеr than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it"......
''Well,' said the big Croc, What have you been eating"...?
"Politicians, same as you", replied the small Croc, 'And I can tell you how I catch them in the car park next to Parliament.....
I crawl up under one of their posh cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shiт out of them, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See by the time you finish shaking the shiт out of a politician, there's nothing left but an аrsеhоlе and a briefcase...
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