Latest Jokes

Roy walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunк, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs Roy that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? Roy is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, Roy stumbles in the SIDE door of the "same " bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to him due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. He looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, Roy bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is clearly drunк, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. Roy surprisingly looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries
- "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at!?!?! "
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A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win the million dollars.
If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was,
"Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question anymore. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guidо, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guidо would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guidо about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guidо, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guidо's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll кill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guidо, "He'll кill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ваlls to pull the trigger!"
Μετάφραση A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. C'est l'histoire d'un parrain de la mafia, en compagnie de son comptable et de son avocat. Le parrain demande au comptable : - Où sont les 3 millions de dollars que tu as blanchis ?Le comptable ne répond pas. Le parrain monte le ton : - Où sont les 3 millions ??!!L'avocat dit au parrain : - Ne... De peetvader van een maffiaclan kwam er achter dat zijn dove boekhouder 10 miljoen euro verduisterd had. Tevoren dacht hij dat een dove boekhouder een voordeel was, vermits die niet kon... De peetvader van de maffia ontdekt dat zijn boekhouder hem heeft opgelicht voor 10 miljoen Euro. De boekhouder is doof, en dat was een van de voornaamste redenen waarom hij de job kreeg, hierdoor... Кръстникът на мафията открива, че неговият глухоням счетоводител, Гуидо го е измамил с 10 000 000 долара. Понеже е глухоням, кръсникът предполагаше, че никога няма да чуе нищо и по тази причина...
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Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her
and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
‘Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.
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Three men all die on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell, but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into... Three men are killed in an auto accident on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something... Three men had been at a wild office party and died in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They soon found themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Heaven. But before they could pass, Saint... Three men wait at the gates of heaven on Christmas Eve. They're told they have to present a Christmas gift to get in. The first man checks his pockets and finds pine needles from his family's tree....
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Брат, вчера спечелих часовник на "Армани" в състезание по надбягване! Рамче се фали на девојка му: Dois amigos se encontram: — Caramba! — diz o primeiro — Que relógio legal você comprou, hein? — Não comprei não... — responde o amigo — Ganhei em uma corrida! — Que legal, cara! E quantas pessoas participaram dessa corrida? — Três! — Só isso? — É......
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Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudiтy.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a mans heart?
A: Through the chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.
Q: Why does the bride wear white?
A: Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Q: How do you know when you are really ugly?
A: Dogs huмр your leg with their eyes closed.
Q: How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends,"
Q: Why did god create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could have sеx,too.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: What's the difference between Вееr Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A: Вееr nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A: A speech impediment.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Вrеаsт don't have eyes.
Q: What's the difference between a northern fairy-tale and a southern fairy-tale?
A: A northern fairy-tale begins "Once upon a time" a southern fairy-tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this сrар."
Blonde Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Beer Jokes Dog jokes
Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, on his way out to the fields, the farmer says to Amy:
"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the соw's stall in the barn. You show him where the соw is when he gets here, okay?" So the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down the barn. They walk along long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one. This one right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditsy blonde, the man asks, "How did you know this is the соw to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
"I guess it's to hang your pants on," she tells him as she walks away.
Blonde Jokes
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty вееr and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hеll of a party last night." the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Неll, we got so drunк around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Dамn, I'm sorry I missed that."
"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."
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A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.
Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to кill my patients."
The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."
The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."
Medical and Doctor Jokes Psychology and Psychiatry Jokes
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady, limping slightly, and with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls, and presses a button. The walls opened, and the lady walks between them, into a small room. The walls closed.The boy and his father watched as small circles of lights with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up, in reverse direction now. The walls opened up again, and a beautiful young blonde stepped out...The father said to his son,
"GO GET YOUR MOTHER!!!"
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Блондинка отива на лекар, за да претеглят бебето, което тя носи на ръце. Жена води бебе на лекар. La mujer con el bebé desnutrido пришла женщина с 3-х месячным ребенком к врачу на очередную... Жена носи бебе на доктор. Докторот ја прашува: A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the baby's weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed? Une jeune femme se présente chez un pédiatre, avec un bébé dans les bras. Elle lui dit : - Regardez docteur, comme ce pauvre petit chou est chétif ! - Quel âge a-t-il ? - Six mois.   Le praticien... Una mujer visita al médico con un niño en brazos. -Doctor, estoy desesperada. El nene llora día y noche. El médico examina a la criatura y no encuentra nada anormal. Luego, ordena a la mujer que... Egy asszony egy kisbabával elmegy az orvoshoz. Az orvos megvizsgálja a babát, megméri a súlyát, és megállapítja, hogy egy kicsit soványka. Megkérdezi a nőtől: - Anyatejet vagy tápszert eszik a... Çekici bir genç kadın,çok zayıf bir bebegi doktara kontrole götürür. bebege bakan doktor BU ÇOCUK İYİ GIDA ALMIYOR der ve kadına dönerek lütfen soyununuz diye rica ederek. soyunarak... Çekici bir bayan çok zayıf bir bebeyi kontrole götürür bebeğe bakan doktor bu iyi gıda almıyor der ve kadına dönerek üzeriniz deki herşeyi çıkarın der kadın ne alaka ki der doktor lütfen bunu yapın... Kadın yanında bir bebekle çocuk doktorına gider. Doktor bebeği muayene eder . ‘hanfendi bu çoçuk gıdasız kalmış der. ve kadına soyunmasını söyler . Kadın soyunur. Kadının göğüslerini inceler. ‘evet...
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