Newest jokes - Page 847

The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class:
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said,
“Mary had a little pig, A hornery little runt,
He stuck his nose in Mary’s Clothes
And smelled her little . . .”
He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, “Do you want poetry or prose?”
“Prose!” the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, ” . . . Аsshоlе.”

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What’s the difference between a Demon and a Redhead?
The Demon at least has a trade offer.

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Redhead Jokes

30 degrees...
It was so cold out today that even the lawyers had their hands in their own pockets.

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Lawyer Jokes

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest.
The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!"
The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It's my nut!"
The first squirrel said, "That's not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn't quarrel.Let me resolve this dispute."
The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut."
He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I'll take the meat."

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Animal Jokes Lawyer Jokes Food Jokes

Why didn’t the sun go to college?
Because it already had a million degrees!

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Space jokes

What is the richest planet?
Saturn - It has many rings.

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Space jokes

Teacher: Describe a penguin
Student: Black, White, Beak
Teacher: Good, now describe an orphan
Student: Sad, maybe depressed, No family
Teacher: Amazing, now describe a cow
Student: Brown bun hair, red shirt, white skirt, pantyhose, and dollar tree shoes
Teacher: No! How does that describe a соw?
Student: It describes you tho.

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Money jokes Student jokes School Jokes

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

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Military Jokes Banker Jokes

What did the football coach say when he went to the bank?
- “I want my quarter back.”

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Banker Jokes Sports Jokes Soccer Jokes

There was a car accident and the cops pull up to the сriме seen to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said what happened here she responded by saying a car crash. They then asked but how did it happen, she responded the cars crashed into each other. They finally said but why did it happen. The lady said oh i know where your going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas peddle the car goes forward and they both pushed it so they both went forward and hit each other. One cop said never mind ma’m and they stared walking away. The blonde lady then said oh and officers my computer froze do you think i should put in the microwave or in the oven?

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Criminal Jokes Blonde Jokes

EU Delegate: “Sir, your country has the highest corruption and сriме rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?”
Ambassador: tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros “You didn’t see any statistics.”

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Criminal Jokes

I just told my wife that I had sеx with another woman.
She said, “Can you please repeat that for me?”
I said, “Sure, I’m seeing her again tomorrow night.”

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Cheating Jokes Jokes about Women Sex Jokes

My Lawyer said to me
“I have some good news and I have some bad news”?
“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first”? I said
My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million”!!!!
“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day - now what’s the bad news”?? I replied enthusiastically
“The pictures are of you sсrеwing your secretary” he said

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News and Politics Jokes Cheating Jokes Lawyer Jokes Secretary Jokes

I like my couches like my I like my women…
Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

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Men jokes Old People Jokes Fitness jokes

How many gаy guys can u fit on a bar stool? Four just flip it over.

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Fitness jokes

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

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Relationship Jokes

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but what do to wrights make?
The first airplane.

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Aviation Jokes

I don’t like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.
He was the best dамn pilot in saudi arabia

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Aviation Jokes Dark Humor Jokes Morbid jokes Pilot Jokes

Friendly reminder that Adele and Taylor Swift are the same age, yet one is pregnant and another stuck in middle school.

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School Jokes Old People Jokes Friendship Jokes Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Kids Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

My wife left for her Father's home for vacation yesterday, when I was at my office.
When I reached home, I found this note stick on the television.
I am going to My Mom's Place for 6-7 days with kids and these are the instructions and warnings for you....
- No need to call your friends and cousins. Last time I got 4 large pizza bills beneath the sofa...
2 - Don't forget mobile on the soap holder in the bathroom like last time...
Why would anyone need a mobile in the bathroom?
3 - Keep your spe cs in the box..
Last time around it was found in the refrigerator.
4 - Salary already paid to maid.
No need to be extra generous.
5 - Don't disturb neighbors early in the morning asking if they have got newspaper or not?
Our newspaper vendor is different from theirs...
And our laundry person and milkman are also different.
6 - Your Underwear are on left side of wardrobe and on right side are kids'...
Like last time, don't say I was uncomfortable at work....
7 - All reports have been checked and you are alright.
No need to go to that young lady doctor again and again.
8 - My sister and Bhabhi's birthdays have gone last month which you have already attended.
No need to go to them at midnight and wish belated happy birthday..
9 - Have cut off WiFi for 10 days.
So sleep early....
10 - Stop smiling and being happy... as Mrs. Khanna, Mrs. Avasthi, Mrs. Kulkarni, Mrs. Trivedi, Mrs. Ansari, Mrs. Rastogi, Mrs. Chatteerjee...
They all w ill be out of station in this period....
11. Do not knock on the doors of that KALMUHI Priya, next door, on pretext of asking Sugar milk coffee powder or so one.
I stocked all these in kitchen cabinet. rnrnAnd last but not the least.
12 - Don't try to be oversmart.. rnI may be back any moment without informing you.

Happy vacation

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Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Friendship Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Stupid Jokes Coffee Jokes

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