Drinking and Drunk Jokes

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An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunк who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand.
He leaned closer while the drunк held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked,
"What do you have there?"
The drunк replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunк handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it.
"Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is.
Where did you get it?"
The drunк replied, "Out of my nose!"
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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a вееr.
The bartender approaches and says,
"We don't serve вееr to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a вееr.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve вееr to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says,
"If you don't serve me a вееr, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says,
"Sorry, we don't serve вееr to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a вееr.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve вееr to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says,
"I'm NOT on drugs."
Te bartender says,
"You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold вееr. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another вееr, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another вееr.
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