Animal Jokes - Page 130

How do you stop an elephant from going through the eye of a needle?
"Tie a knot in his tail".

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Animal Jokes

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

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Animal Jokes

Can I borrow your cellphone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

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Animal Jokes

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven”?
“NO”! the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven”?
Again, the answer was, “NO”! By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven”?” I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, “NO”! I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven”?
A six-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE Fuскing DEAD

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Religion jokes School Jokes Money jokes Animal Jokes

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said,
"Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

Scientists are conducting experiments to determine why a giraffe’s legs are so long.
I’m no expert, but at a guess I’d say that if they were shorter they wouldn’t reach the ground.

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Animal Jokes

One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh.. Wh... Why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"

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Animal Jokes

Why doesn't the ocean leak?
Because it has Seals.

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Animal Jokes

How does an elephant climb a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.

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Animal Jokes

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

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Office and Work Jokes Animal Jokes

A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth.
"I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained.
Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth.
Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude.
"Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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Money jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes

People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? 'Ooh, there's a hair in my food.' You're eating bacon -- there's a pig's аss in your food.

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Food Jokes Animal Jokes

My dog is completely exhausted from destroying everything in my house

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Animal Jokes

An effusive client brought a litter of puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.
As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar". The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "D-Соn Rat Poison". The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says,
"Where do you think you're going?”
"Time to go home and chase the cat”

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Animal Jokes

Whoever said swans mate for life is a complete liar. As soon as I let my swan go it flew away.

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Animal Jokes

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says..."EOOOOOHAHHHHHMMMM-MMUUUUUUUUUOOOAAAAAAUUUU..."
The second whale turns to the first and says "Frank, what is wrong with you?"

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Animal Jokes

I don't eat chicken; I'm a vegetarian. I'm not a full vegetarian, like I'll eat hamburgers and hot dogs.

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Animal Jokes

In a small town the veterinarian, who was also the chief of police, was awakened by the telephone. “Please hurry!” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the line.
“Do you need the police or a vet?” he asked. “Both,” the woman replied. “I’m not able to get my dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar’s leg in it.”

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Jokes about Women Animal Jokes Police Officer Jokes

While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

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Marriage and Family Jokes Animal Jokes Men jokes