Animal Jokes

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They say dogs take on the personality of their owners which is вullshiт because all my dog does is lay around all day and touch himself.

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Dogs. Because when everyone looks at you like you're crazy, they look at you like you're amazing.

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What do you call a dinosaur that turns small words into big words?
A Thesaurus!

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Why is it so hard to shoe flies?
Because their feet are so tiny.

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Who cleans up after guide dogs?

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Could you imagine the wonderful, beautiful роор that this thing must take? That's why they beat their chest. I'd be beating my chest, too, if I had 60 pounds of сrар comin' out of me.

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My cat went completely insane when I told him he was adopted.
I spelled it out with a laser pointer

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I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

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A Zebra arrives on a farm. The first animal she meets is a соw. “Whats your job?” she asks. …
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“My job is to give milk,” the соw replies. …
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The next animal she meets is a chicken. “Whats your job,” she asks. …
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“My job is to lay eggs,” the chicken answers.
The third animal she meets is a stallion. “Whats your job?” she asks.
The stallion replies, “Just take off those silly striped pajamas and I’ll show you.”

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One day a man went to a pet store and bought a hundred-legged worm. The sales person told him about this worm. It was not a normal worm. This worm could do anything as a maid. When they were home, the man asked the worm to turn on the T. V. So the worm turned it on. Then he asked him to prepare him some coffee. So the worm did it. The man told him to go buy the newspaper. So the worm went out of the house to buy the newspaper. An hour passed and still the worm didn't come. Another hour passed and the worm had still not come back. So finally the man stood up and opened the front door.
"So, there you are," the man said looking at the worm, "have you bought the newspaper?"
"Sorry, sir," answered the worm, "I haven't finished putting on my shoes."

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry.” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

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There are two flies on the ceiling. One fly says to the other fly, "Don't look now, but your man's open!"

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What steps should you take if you ever come across a dangerous animal in the wilderness?
Very large ones.

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If a rooster laid an egg on the top of the roof, which way will the egg fall if the wind is blowing west?
Answer: Roosters do not lay eggs.

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What do two snails do when they have a disagreement?
Slug it out!

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What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

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What did the badger say to the bear?
Have a beary nice day, I hope it's not too grizzly!

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Caterpillars have the ideal life.
They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.

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“How good are elephants at hiding in trees?”
“What do you mean?”
“Elephants don't hide in trees! “
"Well, "have you ever seen one?”

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I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

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