Aviation Jokes

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The last time I had flying lessons I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Dаrn…

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I don’t understand the plane crash at 9/11. my dad was a great pilot!

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Who reads the fastest?
The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers, He took out 83 stories in one go.

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I don’t like making jokes about 9/11, my grandad died in it, he was the greatest pilot I ever knew

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The other day a squirrel asked me for a job, I asked him what jobs did you have previously. Calmly he answered," I am a pilot, I can pick it up from here and pile it over there, I also can fly a sign!!!"
" To bad, this is a nut cannery, and we’re 100% automated, we don’t need anyone at this time, sorry."
" No worries, I’m totally nuts anyway, guess I’ll fly a sign across town, don’t have bus fare!!!"

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Two people are sitting in a sky scraper.
P1: Hey, what wifi are you connected to? The company wifi is horrible.
P2: Airplane wifi

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I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.

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What did Trump rename the Presidential plane?
Answer: Hair Force One!

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Two blind pilots enter a plane. They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. … …
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The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.
In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says :
“You know what? One day they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die.”

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Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p. M.," a ticket agent said,
"And arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p. M."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."

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What kind of sandwiches do they serve in the airline lounge?
Club Sandwiches

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Arriving at the airport my buddy looked visibly shaken. I asked him, "Are you okay? What's the matter?"
Looking bewildered, he replied, "It'll pass. Every time I have to fly, I get a terminal illness."

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One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking, "What trip?"

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Being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Air
Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
Following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has
Been a terrible mix-up... one minute prior to take-off, by our catering
Service..., I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers
On board, and..., unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals... I
Truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is
Kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will
Receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.”
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later... "If anyone would like to
Change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."

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Two skydivers, Harold and Lester, jumped out of the plane and were having a conversation on the way down.
Lester:
"I was in a hurry this morning, and I can't remember if I asked you to pack my chute for me."
Harold:
"I've been pretty forgetful myself. I'm lucky I remembered to pack mine."
Lester:
"Wait a minute. You mean I forget to ask you to pack my chute for me?"
Harold:
"No, silly. You didn't forget to ask me to pack your chute. I'm the one who actually forgot to pack your chute!"
Lester:
"Phew! Thank goodness, for a minute there I thought I was losing my mind!"

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A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter.
She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.
She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie...
“Today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

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A pilot landed a plane with a rather bumpy landing. As part of his job he was required to stand by the terminal door and say goodbye to the passengers as they exited the airplane. He was afraid that someone might say something about his rather less than perfect landing, but everyone left without saying a word except for one passenger, an elderly lady, she slowly approached the pilot after most passengers had exited the plane and asked,
"Did we land? Or were we shot down?"

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Why was Peter Pan banned from using any Airline?
Because if he got on a plane, it would Never-Never-land.

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There is a Rookie Pilot and CoPilot and they are coming in for a landing, the Pilot says,
"Dамn that runway is small give me 1/4 flарs".
As they get closer the Pilot says,
"Dамn that's a small runway, give me 1/2 flарs."
As they're coming in closer the Pilot again says,
"Dамn that's a small Runway Give me Full Flарs."
After they land the Plane safely the Pilot says,
"That's the smallest runway I've ever landed on."
Then the CoPilot says,
"Yes it is, but look it how wide it is."

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