Criminal Jokes

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So I was in Liverpool, having a shiт in the public toilets. When a scouse voice in the next cubicle says;”Hey mate, there”s no loo roll in “ere. Pass us some through, will ya.”So I unravelled a few sheets and passed them under the partition. The cheeky ваsтаrd stood on my hand and nicked my watch!

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Criminal Jokes

I was going through some stuff in the loft last week when I found a red envelope next to mine and my wife’s will.
On the front, it read;
‘Dear Steve,
Only to be opened after I die.
All my love
Sarah xx’
I got upset and held it close to me. I thought about opening it, but decided to respect her wishes.
A few days later however, curiosity got the better of me. I had to know what the letter said. Maybe she’s cheated on me. Maybe she has a fortune stashed away? I went back up in the loft and quickly opened it.
‘Dear Steve,
Don’t cry. I just wanted to say that I always loved you with all my heart. Remember the good times and I shall always be by your side.
Goodbye
Sarah xxx’
My face sсrеwеd up with sadness and I thought, What a load of fuскing shiт! I killed her for that?

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Criminal Jokes

I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.

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Criminal Jokes

I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I’d try my luck.
I said, “Simon says take your top off.” Off it came.
“Simon says take off your вrа.” Out came the тiтs.
After I’d groped them for a while, I said, “Simon says get nакеd and bend over.”
I fuскеd her hard up the аrsе and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming.
It’s great having a knife called Simon.

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Criminal Jokes Boob Jokes

I grew up in a really tough neighborhood. One time I put my hand in some freshly- poured cement and felt another hand.

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Criminal Jokes

British politician Janice Atkinson has demanded that the UK reintroduce the death penalty for suicide bombers. …
Uh huh…

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Political Jokes Criminal Jokes

A conman, a child molester and a priest walks into department store … ….
…
But I repeat myself.

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Criminal Jokes

My boss has just accused me of rigging up a hidden camera in the ladies toilets.
I responded, “That’s impossible. How can you possibly prove it was me?”
He said, “I’ve just been watching you for the past 10 minutes on my one.”

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Criminal Jokes

As I saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,
“She was right, I am pushy

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Criminal Jokes

I was sick of my wife teasing me about my color blindness and resorted to violence.
I beat her dark grey and grey.

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Criminal Jokes

I was furious when I discovered my wife had set up a website to help the victims of domestic violence.
She got 200 hits in the first hour.

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Criminal Jokes

Wait a minute, where’s it gone?

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Criminal Jokes

Wife: Hey ваве! How’s your “Boy’s Night Out” going?
Me: Don’t hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

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Criminal Jokes

My wife’s a bit like Pinocchio.
Every time she tells me lies, her nose swells up.

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Criminal Jokes

We had gаy burglars while we were out of town for a few days….
…
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

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Criminal Jokes

After being convicted for rаре I’ve been sent to prison for 4 years and ordered to pay my victim £10,000.
Surely if I’m paying her £10,000 then it’s not rаре.

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Criminal Jokes

A girl in a bar said to me, “I wouldn’t fuск you if you were the last person alive.”
Leaning over and whispering, I replied, “But who would be around to stop me?”

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Criminal Jokes

My next door Neighbour’s Daughter said that when she gets older she wants to marry me. I was touched.
A few minutes later, so was she.

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Criminal Jokes

I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.

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Criminal Jokes

As the executioner picked up the axe, I said, “I thought I was to be hanged. Are you going to chop off my head?”
“No, your legs,” he replied. “The rope is too long.”

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Criminal Jokes