Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke

My doctor told me last week that I don’t eat enough vegetables so I’ve now started dating a girl who has down syndrome.

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Doc,” said the husband,”I got nine kids and the wife’s expecting again. How do I stop the stork?”
The doctor replied, “Shoot it in the air!”

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Kids Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Notice to Employees (Includes Temporary and Part Time Staff)
Sickness
We will no longer accept your doctors' notes as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.
Leave of absence for surgery
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having any type of surgery will be FIRED immediately.
Pregnancy
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.
Death
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.
This new benefit program goes into effect immediately.
The Management

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.” “You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.
“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

I had a huge breakthrough today. In therapy, I finally got to the root of my problem. Apparently, I think I'm a piece of sh*t that the world revolves around.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Patient:
"Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me."
Doctor:
"What do you mean by that?"

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

One day three doctors went to a convention together, on the way back, they noticed the car was slowing down. They got out and looked at the tires. The first doctor said "I think its flat."
The second felt it and said "It feels flat."
The third stares at it and says "It looks flat."
All of them, without taking their eyes off the wheel, shook their heads and said in unison, "We better run some tests."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

What do you call an anesthesiologist who shows up for work wearing a rabbit suit?
An ether bunny!

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “DАМN!”
“What’s the matter?” asks the wife. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”

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Medical and Doctor Jokes

Cristiano Ronaldo goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, every time I look in the mirror, I get turned on.”
The doctor says, “I’m not surprised - you’re a сunт!”

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Celebrity and Pop Culture Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes

The nurse burst into the doctor’s office. “Doctor! She yelled, “you just gave a clean bill of health to Mr. Smith and … and he dropped dead right outside the door!”
The doctor jumped into action. “Quick,” he said, “We’ve got to turn him around so it looks like he was just coming in!”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

My сеrvix is like God to me -- I don't have to see it to believe it exists.

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God Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.
The Doctor performs some tests and says, “I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we”re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.”
“Will that cure me?” asks the man.
“No,” says the Doctor, “it”s the only food we can pass under the fuскing door!”

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Food Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes Sick and Death Jokes

The blonde Anna made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
"We've been trying for months now, doctor, to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.
"I'm sure we'll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.
"If you'll just take off your clothes and lie down on examining table."
"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the Anna, blushing, "but It would have been better to have my husband's baby.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Blonde Jokes

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.
I can’t tell you how upset I am.

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working in.
He walks past a room where a man is vigorously маsтurватing non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a thing out in the open?
The doctor replies, “Oh he has a medical condition where the sреrм builds up so quickly in his body, he has to маsтurвате constantly or he will explode.”
“Oh, I see,” says the intern.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a вlоw job from a nurse.
Again, he asks the doctor “What’s up with that?”
The doctor says, “Same condition, better medical plan.”

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Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness.
The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is. The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that’s the sun! Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Men jokes

Betty's psychiatrist convinced her that she had 120 different personalities.
Then billed her insurance company for Group therapy!

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Medical and Doctor Jokes